Write In Scott Colby for Everything!

As you glumly make your way to the polls today, mulling over whether to vote for a jackass or an asshole, one name should echo clearly in your mind: Scott Colby.

I hereby announce my candidacy for whatever governmental position you as voters feel I should have, from secretary of your local PTA all the way to United States Senator. And don't worry about concerns over my state of residency...if an ugly old witch like Hillary can fake her way into New York, a charismatic, ruggedly handsome man such as myself should be able to fake his way into Idaho without a problem (hell, they've been begging me to move there for years!).

"But Scott Colby," you say, "What qualifies you to work in a branch of government other than janitorial services?"

Absolutely nothing. But I could ask that same question of the majority of the candidates out there right now and get that same answer.

Which means if I want to get elected, I have to separate myself from the rest of the toilet scrubbers out there. If elected, I promise to:

• Hack into the computers of my opposition, hide all their icons, and replace their desktop wallpaper with a screenshot of their computer when it used to have all their icons.
• Deliver all speeches in iambic pentameter, and always end with "Whatcha gonna do when Scott Colby runs wild on you!?"
  
• Create attack ads that aren't super cheesy.
• Write to Mr. T so he can come fix all the drama in the government, because jibber-jabber never defended no Constitution.
  
• Hire hot interns.
• Create a new tax cut bill that is based solely on the size of your yacht.
• Dress and smell like a hobo during voting sessions.
• Steal the lunch of every Republican I work with at least once.

Think that's absurd? Really? Tell me it's worse than listening to our current leaders debate things like gay marriage and violence in video games when they could be doing something about poverty, health insurance, or that asshole president who thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants - and do it with a straight face.

So remember - when you go to the polls today, don't vote for a jackass or an asshole. Vote for a jerk off. Vote Scott Colby!

P.S. Please vote no on Question 1. The increase in levels of pretentiousness that will result from more stores being able to sell wine will be unbearable.