Just because everybody else is doing it. As a means of better communicating my rankings with those who aren't as baseball savvy I've created a brand new metric: Hollywood Starlet Equivalent, which aims to simplify a club's ranking by equating it to a well-known female celebrity. Baseball Prospectus has already offered me millions for the rights to this revolutionary new system.
American League East
The best division in the league is also arguably the least interesting. The top two teams are obvious; the rest should petition Bud for a transfer to the National League, where they could all potentially contend for the Wild Card.
1. New York Yankees
Defensive upgrades in left and center should mostly offset the losses of Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui. I Stole Your Lunch would like to thank Hideki for getting the hell out of the division.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Whoever Derek Jeter is banging this week. Unless they suck, in which case they're A-Rod's blowup doll (no, not Kate Hudson).
2. Boston Red Sox (Wild Card)
Mike Cameron? Marco Scutaro? Adrian Beltre? Really? Why not just clone JD Drew and have him play every position on the field? I'm having flashbacks to the Duquette era. At least that pending midseason trade for Adrian Gonzalez will save them, giving them the Wild Card by the skin of their teeth.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Claudia Black. I will always love you, no matter how many shows/movies/miniseries the SyFy channel shoehorns you into.
3. Tampa Bay Rays
No team has a bigger distance between its potential floor and its potential ceiling. They could rack up 100 victories and walk off with the division; they could revert to their devilish ways and drop 100. The combined ages of every pitcher on their staff is lower than my bowling score, and their offense seems a bit overrated.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Ellen Paige. Those "in the know" love them, but I'm not completely convinced. But they're ok; they're watchable and somewhat interesting, and you can see how good it could get. Maybe someday...
4. Baltimore Orioles
Put the O's in any other division and they'd be the new "It" team that would make all the sportswriters mess their pantaloons. If their next pack of prospects comes through, look out.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Mila Kunis. Been trying to steal the show for years, and they're almost there.
5. Toronto Blue Jays
Did they get enough for Halladay? That depends. It's the baseball equivalent of Yoda giving up to hide in the swamp and wait for Luke and Leia to grow up. Had they given it one more good try with what they had, they might've been able to beat the Evil Empire. Their offense was coming around, and they've got a ton of good young arms. But Kyle Drabek and Brett Wallace have the potential to carry this team for years to come. Just not this year.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Linda Hogan, ex-wife of The Immortal Hulk Hogan. Dumped the aging superstar for some punk half her age, tried to steal the Hulk's favorite toilet seat but had to give it back.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Very good blog.
Has he tried to sell that toilet seat on e-bay yet?
Was it a busy day at the Musuem today?
I am writing this with an obsolite Palm Treo. Excuse any formatting issues. This was difficult to do.
He has not. I want to know why this toilet seat was so special. He had to sue her worthless ass to get it back. Perhaps a future blog will tell us why...
With my Padres holding a fire sale to rival 1992, I just can't get excited about Baseball this year. I'm just hoping SD doesn't lose 90 games again. For the third year.
God. When does football start again?
Post a Comment