Vote Awesome; Vote Colby!

Few elections have cried out for a viable third candidate like this Tuesday's showdown between Martha Coakley and That Yuppie Dude for dearly departed Ted Kennedy's seat in the Senate. The Facepage and the Twatter have been abuzz lately with people who can't decide between the two. It's like picking between JD Drew and Jeremy Hermida; somebody's got to play right field, but neither option is particularly attractive, and both are apt to hit into a double play while sitting in the dugout. Part of that, I suspect, is the overall air of complete fakery surrounding each candidate. They couldn't be more contrived and manufactured if they were Backstreet Boys.

I'm kind of strange, so I like to pretend that both were injected with magic truth-and-candor dust and forced to film new commercials:

"Hi, I'm Martha Coakley. I'm that maybe-once-was-kind-of-attractive-if-it-was-dark-and-you-were-loaded woman running for State Senate. I enjoy pantsuits and getting my hair did and watching reruns of Golden Girls. I took my husband's manhood, but sometimes I give it back to him for an hour or two on the weekends. Even though I'm an overbearing shrew and I've crushed his spirit, when we're in public we love each other so very very much oh yes we do. I think my opponent is a moron for going out in the terrible cold to shake hands with the disgusting rabble. I'm a Democrat, so I'm directionless and out of touch with real Americans."

"Hi, I'm That Yuppie Guy. I work hard to be non-threatening in every possible way. I keep a touch of gray in my hair to leave my age ambiguous; I could be a wise, experienced old man, or I could be a rebellious free spirit whose slightly aged coiffure belies his youth and vigor. My fake smile was grown in a vat in California. Sometimes my wife gives me my manhood back on the weekend for an hour or two. I'm so white that even my dookies are pasty. I'm from Wrentham, but I don't shop there because I'm too good to wear the same sweater vests as the rest of the rabble. I'm a Republican, so I'm batshit insane and out of touch with real Americans."

Bleh. You know the drill. There's got to be a factory somewhere that churns out these cookie cutter politicians (they all fall apart at some point in their careers, so they must be made in China). They're all the same, and none of them is ever going to accomplish anything of consequence, and we vote for them because it's easier than looking for an alternative.

So instead of allowing you to sit on your butt and not look for an alternative, I'm going to hurl one at your face through the magic of the Interwebs. On Tuesday, vote awesome; vote Colby!

This wouldn't be possible if I were working alone. I've assembled the greatest campaign team known to man:

• Head Political Strategist Levi Johnston, who brings a wealth of campaign experience to the team.
• Chief Economist Bernie Madoff
  
• Military Advisor Sergeant Slaughter
• Director of Being Female So My Campaign Is Not Called Sexist the girl who's at the bus stop sometimes
  
• Special Enforcer Jose Offerman
  

As a United States Senator, I promise to...

• Finally wrest the Congressional Beer Pong Championship from John McCain.
• Commit a hilarious practical joke on my fellow legislators by shoving a bunch of pulled pork inside the pages of a bill.
• Prevent further economic chicanery on the part of the financial sector by implementing Bitchslap a Banker Day.
  
• Build a giant fence on the Somerville border.
  
• Only screw around with good looking interns.
• Refrain from use of tobacco products when screwing around with interns to avoid giving impressionable children the wrong idea.
• Take money from lobbyists, not vote the way they want me to, then laugh in their faces.
• Implement EVERYBODY FLIES NAKED plan to secure our skies (see previous post for details.
• Give tax breaks to people who take their money out of the banks and out of the stock market and bury it in a coffee can in the backyard.

In short, my platform can be summed up in two words: High Life.

"But you're not qualified to represent my beloved commonwealth in the Senate!" I hear some of you moaning. "We need someone who really understands the plight of the average Massachusettsian." Luckily, I was prepared for you peons.

Scott Colby's Qualifications to Represent the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in the Senate

• Can consistently name all members of the Red Sox starting rotation.
• Knows all the words to several Dropkick Murphys songs, including "Shipping Up to Boston."
• Enjoys grinders and frappes.
• Went to Revere Beach once. Survived.
• Supports the local economy by choosing Dunkin' Donuts over Starbucks.
• Watched that "Schoolhouse Rock" show about "I'm Just a Bill" once, maybe twice.
  
• Probably won't do a worse job than the posers already there.
  

I think that about says it all. You can tell I'm serious about this because I used three seperate bulleted lists. Vote awesome; vote Colby!

And if you don't, the last words you'll hear as you exit the voting booth will be "Jose, bateador arriba..."