2011 MLB Preview: The American League East

I did it last year. I might as well do it this year. I am nothing if not a model of consistency. My picks weren't any worse than anyone else's; I correctly named four out of the eight playoff teams and foresaw the renaissance of both Texas and Cincinnati. I whiffed on the collapses of St. Louis and Colorado and wasn't harsh enough on the Red Sox. All in all, I'm ESPN material. I've got Stark and Olney shaking in their boots and Neyer's already cleaning out his desk.

But what's this Hollywood Starlet Equivalent crap? I'm glad you asked! As you've no doubt noticed everytime you've seen my face on the cover of Us Weekly, TigerBeat, and Flex, America is infatuated with celebrity. Examining the every move of rich, occasionally talented people has supplanted baseball as the country's pastime. Used extensively in the baseball prognostication industry since 2010, Hollywood Starlet Equivalent provides the baseball layman with an easy means of comparing and understanding teams. If I say that Team A's expected wins are higher than Team B's, your eyes cross, you start to drool, and you decide you'd rather read Perez Hilton than my highbrow crap; if I say Jennifer Aniston's better than Lindsay Lohan, your stupid American brain immediately understands.

Now, without any further ado, the first batch of 2011 picks.

1. Boston Red Sox - On paper, this is the best squad in the game. When the Sox signed Carl Crawford, I wet myself. When they finally traded for Adrian Gonzalez, I crapped myself. I am quickly running out of clean undies and it's all Theo Epstein's fault. The rotation after Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz could potentially be a concern; Josh Beckett, Jon Lackey, and Daisuke Matsuzaka are a talented crew, but relying on all three of them to bounce back with only the ageless Tim Wakefield as legit insurance might be asking for trouble.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Mila Kunis. My favorite.

2. New York Yankees (wild card) - Their lineup is loaded, and you've got to figure Jeter's going to be unnecessarily diving into all kinds of crap in an effort to validate his earlier contract demands, but that rotation has disaster written all over it. Maybe they can pitch Sabathia every fourth day. They'll make the playoffs, but not easily.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Katie Perry. I don't like them despite how well they're put together, but I understand why other people enjoy their work.

3. Tampa Bay Rays - Most people are already writing this team's obituary. They're down a left fielder (Crawford), a slugging first baseman (Carlos Pena), a solid shortstop (Jason Bartlett), and a big time starter (Matt Garza). Their once dominant bullpen has evaporated in free agency. They've attempted to restock with the likes of Rowdy Kyle Farnsworth and the decaying corpses of Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon. But don't count this squad out-they've still got the best rotation in the American League, and youngsters Desmond Jennings and Reid Brignac should plug the holes left by Crawford and Bartlett. If there's one rule I live by, it's to never count out a team who's manager wears such awesome ear flaps on cold nights.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Courtney Cox. Still feistier than most people think.

4. Toronto Blue Jays - GM Alex Anthopoulos has this team in full-on rebuilding mode. Dumping the albatross that was the contract of Vernon Wells upon the Angels, a team so dumb they can't figure out whether they're from Los Angeles or Anaheim, was a stroke of genius. This should be an interesting team to watch, if only to see if Jose Bautista is truly the slugger he pretended to be last year (I doubt it, but stranger things have happened).

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Morena Baccarin. It's a damn shame she always gets stuck on shows about to get cancelled, and it's a damn shame the Jays are stuck in this division.

5. Baltimore Orioles - Ugh. I'm not even going to bother. Peter Angelos is the Al Davis of Major League Baseball; the poor fans of this franchise are just waiting for him to go away so someone competent (and preferably alive) can take charge.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Every female contestant from the last season of Survivor. They just suck, and not even in a fun trainwreck sort of way. Get off my TV.