The Decision

I find myself faced with a choice the likes of which I've never encountered. It's left me tossing and turning at night, waking up every few hours in a cold sweat. It distracts me both at work and when I should be focusing on an alcoholic beverage. It's dominated my thinking for the last several days. No matter how much I agonize over it, I just can't force myself to make a decision. So I turn to the thoughtful, compassionate denizens of the Interwebs for assistance.

Should I cut my hair?

I've got kind of a preseason Tom Brady thing going on. It covers my ears and my eyebrows and juts out in funny directions from underneath my hat. The best word I can think of too describe it is larval: a few snips in the front make it a mullet, a few in the back make it a Bieber, or with no snips at all it can make me a Level 5 Rogue who still lives in his mother's basement. It's a fat, satiated caterpillar awaiting its transformation into a beautiful butterfly.

But what kind of butterfly should it become? Hopefully this handy table can help you help me decide. Scroll down - I have no idea why it's putting this giant space in there. I spent thirty seconds trying to fix it and I don't care anymore.

Reasons to Keep Hair	Reasons to Cut Hair
Kind of look like dynamic WWE Superstar Dolph Ziggler, who's sleeping his way to the top.	Dolph is sleeping with Vicki Guerrero and originally portrayed a male cheerleader.
Could eventually look like Jesus.	More likely to look like dirty hipster; can't stand when people ask me where the nearest Whole Foods is.
I hate hipsters, but I do kind of like their women.	Hipster girls are the gateway drug to improper use of irony and flexibility inhibiting pants.
Could attract Brazilian supermodels.	Where the hell are you going to find a Brazilian supermodel, dumbass?
You never know.	Like it matters. You'll run as soon as she tries to make you put on a pair of Uggz.
Long, flowing locks help keep ears warm during harsh Massachusetts winter.	Long, flowing locks could potentially fall in beer and ruin night.
Long, flowing locks could make great hiding place when a tugboat gets too friendly.	If you think she won't find you behind your hair you're dumber than I thought.
Could aid in ascension up rock-n-roll food chain.	Shut up and get it cut moron.
FINE I'LL DO IT YOU'RE SO MEAN INTERWEBS!	That's better, pussy.

In unrelated news, the Royal Rumble was excellent. The Miz and Edge both won, but my other picks were way off base. .500 is good enough for me.