Ready to Rumble

This evening I will be joining a motley bunch of rednecks, hicks, trailer trash, townies, and various other flavors of the debatably mentally deficient at TD Banknorth Garden to watch a bunch of muscular men in tight pants toss each other around and say silly catch phrases. That's right, ladies and germs, I'm off to WWE's Royal Rumble, and I couldn't be more excited. I put my John Cena t-shirt on as soon as I got up this morning. The dirty hipsters in the coffee shop in which I'm composing this Interweb opus are giving me some very funny looks.

For those who don't know, professional wrestling is one of my most favoritest things on the planet, right up there with barbecue and juvenile comments about bodily functions and fluids. If you watch any of the following, you are not allowed to judge:

• Jersey Shore
• (Insert teenage number here) and Pregnant
• My Secret Addiction
• Skins
• Sarah Palin's Alaska
  
• The Biggest Loser
• The Twilight movies (doubly so if you read the books)
• Real Housewives of Anywhere
• Keeping up with the Kardashians
  
• The evening news

The above forms of "entertainment" are all a bigger blight upon society than WWE. The E is great with our troops and does a ton of work for the Make a Wish Foundation. If I had cancer or was about to go into battle, the last thing I'd want to see is Snooki. But if John Cena shows up and salutes and says everything's going to be all right, then God damn it, that cancer is fucking dead and Osama Bin Laden is as good as fucking caught.

The E is also arguably one of the best run businesses of the last 25 years, and it's my sincere opinion that the world would be a much better place if Vince McMahon was in charge of more of it. Problems in the Middle East? Vince's music hits, he does the power strut down the ramp, bashes both the Israelis and the Palestinians with a steel chair, points to his crotch and says something about being a genetic jackhammer, then tells them both to kiss his ass or they're fired. They pucker up and do the deed, he fires them anyway, and the crowd goes wild. See what I mean?

Onto my picks for the Rumble!

Natalya (champion) beats LayCool to retain the Divas Title
Natalya, daughter of former tag champion Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, is one tough broad. LayCool consists of two obnoxious bitches (that's a compliment - being obnoxious bitches is their job, and they do it better than anyone in the E right now) who are due for a whoopin'. Think of this one as Jennifer vs. Angelina, with Brad transmogrified into an ugly purple belt covered in butterflies.

Edge (champion) beats Dolph Ziggler (with Vicki Guerrero) to retain the World Title
This match should steal the show; these are two of the best in the company right now, and they play off each other well. Vicki, widow of the late, great Eddie Guerrero, is awesome in her role as a despicable woman who exploits every little bit of power she gets, and I can't wait to boo the shit out of her. Edge banged her way back when to win and hold the title; now it's Dolph trying to do the same. Fun match.

The Miz (champion) beats Randy Orton to retain the World Title
The Miz is awesome. I never thought he'd hold the belt this long; now, I don't see a reason why he shouldn't carry it all the way to Wrestlemania. The longer he has it, the more people hate him, and that's a good thing.

CM Punk wins the Royal Rumble
40 men enter, one every 30 seconds. They take turns tossing each other over the top rope until just one remains. Winner gets a title shot at Wrestlemania. Punk deserves it, and the shenanigans his Nexus cronies are going to pull on his behalf should guarantee it.