LOCKOUT

I've been going back and forth on bringing up the NFL's looming lockout since I started working on this stupid thing again. I can't think of anything sadder than a complete lack of football.

The current debate between the owners and players centers upon the percentages used to divide income between the two groups. Currently the players get a percentage cut of whatever is left after the owners get their cut; the owners, citing rising costs, essentially want to double their cut prior to the players getting their slice of the pie.

What neither side seems to realize is that either way, they're both going to end up with a shit ton of money. When that many zeroes are involved it's not even worth counting anymore.

There are a few other things on the table, including an 18 game schedule and a rookie pay scale, but they're missing a few key ideas I'd like to propose:

• Try to be more like the XFL. How much better would the Superbowl have been if it had been called by Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler? How cool would it be to ditch the coin toss and make each team's fastest player race for the ball to determine the game's first possession? They could fix overtime, too. In the XFL, each team started with the ball on its opponent's 10. The first team has four downs to try to score; if they score in three downs, the other team must score in that many tries or less. And it keeps going and going and going until you die from the awesomeness. This bullet point is not a joke.
• Get rid of the stupid excessive celebration penalties. Football, as Roger Goodell seems to have forgotten, is a game. Let them have some fun.
• Get rid of the stupid chip shot extra point. Replace it with a panel of judges that assigns 0, 1, or 2 points based on the quality of the touchdown celebration.
• Implement a rule that might actually help reduce the number of concussions. If you concuss a guy, you're out for as long as he is. Hit the bench, idiot.
• Mandate new broadcast requirements. No more blacking out a game in its home market when it doesn't sell out. No more lineup graphics that don't involve the players introducing themselves and saying funny nicknames for their colleges. And, for the love of the Force, no more showing nothing but the NFC East in prime time for five weeks straight.
• No more Brett Favre.

And this, ladies and germs, is just another example of why I should be in charge of EVERYTHING.