My Favorite Presidents

7. President Thomas J. Whitmore - Former fighter pilot who bravely headed back into the sky to help fight off alien menace that had obliterated dozens of cities across the globe.

6. President Andrew Jackson - "Old Hickory" basically turned the White House into one big kegger. I think we would've gotten along, though we would've fought a lot about some of his more dickish policies and probably would've wound up in a few duels.

5. President Abraham Lincoln - Dude had an excellent beard. Did some other cool things, too. Epic movie coming soon will reveal his secret history as a vampire hunter. I'm not making that up.

4. President Skroob - Leader of the Spaceballs was pretty awesome despite stupid luggage combination.

3. President William F. Clinton - Slick Willy was the man, though his taste in women is questionable. I hear his library is just a table covered in old issues of Playboy and Hustler. Ability to lower the deficit rivaled only by unprecedented skills with a cigar.

2. (Future) President Jesse "The Body" Ventura - I can dream, can't I? Jesse would have this place cleaned up in a week, then he'd deliver an awesome State of the Union address wearing a boa and a bandana. And then he'd hit the entire country of Iran with a steel chair.

1. President Teddy F'N Roosevelt - I really wish I had a giant portrait of this guy to prominently display in my living room. TR was the bad ass by which all other bad asses should be measured. He was once shot in the chest while giving a speech, and after the assailant was dragged away, he finished his speech. Modern presidents run for cover whenever they so much as get a hang nail. Someday I'm going to make a movie about Teddy Roosevelt, the Rock, and Optimus Prime teaming up to lay the smackdown on some aliens.