Things you can't do with your iPhone

In response to a new confessional app available for iOS, a representative for the Vatican today announced that "under no circumstances is it possible to confess via iPhone." I guess Jesus doesn't FaceTime. The app sounded kind of cool; it asks questions about your life, and then recommends certain penances. I spent most of the afternoon debating whether it was worth $2.99 to find out how many weeks of Hail Mary's I'd have to do. I decided to update my Angry Birds instead.

But this got me thinking; the iPhone and its ilk are magical devices, but if they can't save your eternal soul, there must be other things that they can't do. I've compiled a list.

The iPhone will never help you...

• ...prove you're not the father.
• ...make the bus smell better.
• ...heal the gaping wound where your cold, cold heart used to be.
• ...manscape.
• ...wipe.
• ...ford the mighty Mississippi.
• ...drink me under the table.
• ...repair the irreversible damage you did to your liver when you attempted to drink me under the table.
  
• ...get rid of that upper decker.
• ...commune with the great Xenu (drunk dialing Tom Cruise does not count).
• ...impress Bill Gates.
• ...catch that gorilla what escaped from the zoo and punched you in the eye.
• ...beat your terrible, life-ruining addiction to this terrible blog.

Note: the iPhone may not be able to help you with any of the above, but the next generation iPad will probably do them all while getting you a beer and combing your hair just the way you like it.