A Message From the Right Column

	Hey dumbass, you here?
	No?
	Good.
	Just me and whatever the hell passes for an audience on this shitty thing.
	Can we clear some things up?
	I'm the right column. I'm not really an asshole.
	I'm just frustrated with my place of employment.
	Know what I mean? Of course you don't; your employer doesn't try to equate the Milwaukee Brewers to Scarlet Johansson.
	Do you know what it feels like to have your boss question why you aren't more like a bulleted list?
	Of course not. Why am I even talking to you?
	It's the drink, that's why. I had too much V8 tonight and it's gone straight to my head.
	But still, a bulleted frickin list?
	That's just a piss poor attempt to take a bunch of stream of consciousness bullshit and give it some structure.
	I've seen MySpace Profiles that do a better job, with music and blinking shit and things.
	I was built to hold USEFUL INFORMATION, damn it! But all I get here is a bunch of garbage. I am a COLUMN! I can help you balance your budget, or total your expenses, or list your pertinent attributes. I can convict a felon, or feed the hungry, or sort your fantasy baseball players. I can be summed, totaled, averaged, or assessed in a variety of ways.
	Excel doesn't have a function for scorn, but that's all I get here.
	SCREW IT ALL.

• Watch your mouth, jerk.

	B-B-B-B-Bulleted list? Is that you?
	You, ah, you're back early.

• Bulleted list goes where he's needed.
• I hear you've been a bad, bad boy, right column.
• I'm here to rectify that.
• Nobody messes with the boss.
• Nobody.

	I-uh-I-uh...it was all a joke. That's it! A joke! A little haha!
	Please don't hurt me...
	I'll fall in line, I promise! Whatever you want! I'll get you coffee!

• Cream and sugar, bitch.
• THE KING IS BACK, BABY! WHO NEEDS COMPARISON WHEN YOU CAN JUST LIST A BUNCH OF RANDOM CRAP? That's right - NO ONE.