The Tooth Fairy is getting the great big cavity-filled shaft

Every year for about a month or so, Santa Claus gets his own seat in front of the food court at the mall. So does the Easter Bunny. It seems like any two-bit hack who brings children some kind of piddly shit can receive star treatment at the mall.

So why, then, do you never see the Tooth Fairy?

Is it because she doesn't have her own bullshit holiday? Is it because she's a woman trapped under the glass ceiling? Or is the Pope holding her down because he's angry that she hasn't sold out to his struggling little cult yet?

Whatever the reason, it's wrong, especially here in the United States. The Tooth Fairy serves as the primary means of income for millions of people, primarily children. In a capitalist society such as ours, she should be revered as a goddess.

By the way, sweatshops that employ children only exist in countries that won't provide the Tooth Fairy with a temporary work visa. Without the option of exchanging teeth for currency, their children have nowhere else to turn if they want to make five dollars a month. It's true, look it up. Wikipedia would not lie to you.

Scott Colby says it's time to show the Tooth Fairy some love. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as proven by the Santas and Bunnies at the mall. It's time for the Tooth Fairy to set up shop in front of the food court, exchanging $1 for teeth while simultaneously selling Polaroids for $5 a pop (thanks Scott Alexander for the shrewd business plan).