The Bomb

So North Korea's first nuclear test didn't go quite as planned. Apparently the blast wasn't as big as it was supposed to be. I Stole Your Lunch has the scoop.

Mere moments after defeating 27 consecutive opponents in chess while simultaneously schooling an entire bus of children at Uno, Fearless Leader retired to his luxury box to watch what was to be a glorious occasion - his nation's first nuclear weapons test. All was ready to go as planned, until, thanks to his hawk-like eyesight, Fearless Leader spotted a lone, lost, shivering puppy that had strayed onto the test site.

Fearless Leader burst through the window of his luxury box with a dropkick Chuck Norris could only dream of, executed a perfect series of three front flips that even the Russian judges would've given a perfect ten, and landed perfectly on a waiting skateboard. As he raced across the testing grounds at speeds Tony Hawk, Bam Margera, and Marty McFly could never reach, he realized that although he was going to reach the poor, cold puppy in time, there was no way he could escape the blast zone before the bomb was triggered.

Fearless leader came to a screeching halt in front of the puppy mere moments before the majestic mushroom cloud marked North Korea's entry into the nuclear world. As the wall of fire and energy tore toward him and the puppy, Fearless Leader realized there was only one thing he could do: inhale.

His indestructable lungs absorbed three quarters of the blast and metabolized it into a harmless little fart, which he later passed at dinner to a round of thunderous applause. The little puppy was safe, but North Korea's first nuclear test appeared to be a dud. Korean scientists could not determine why the blast was smaller than expected...and since Fearless Leader is a humble man, he has yet to come forward to the media with the tale of his heroism.

In all seriousness, though, this whole thing with North Korea and nuclear weapons is ridiculous. As long as we have nukes of our own, we have no right telling other people they can't have them. And besides, name one country out there that's going to say, "OK, we don't need the atomic bomb. We'll grow pretty flowers instead!" As long as one country has the bomb, they're all going to want it, just in case they some day have to retaliate. And besides, debates about gay marriage and violent video games make better TV.