The Official Scott Colby Blood Alcohol Content Conversion Chart

It's useful to know Scott Colby's current Blood Alcohol Content, but carrying around a breathalyzer isn't always convenient. Below is a handy dandy chart you can print out and carry in your wallet so you will always be able to judge Scott Colby's level of inebriation based upon whatever he's doing at the time.

• 0.00% - Goes to the gym; plays videogames; becomes only mildly annoyed at people who say Windows is better; excellent speller; thinks that the night is going to be more interesting than it actually turns out to be.
• 0.01% - Swears about commas every five minutes or so; rants about (insert Republican here) being an idiot; has spent about half an hour on the porch.
• 0.02% - Begins to espouse the value of the semicolon; suspects that Big Foot may indeed be in the backyard; sounds as if he may actually know something about politics; has successfully burned three hot dog and/or hamburger buns.
• 0.03% - Attempts to get other people onto the dance floor; suspects he may have a career as a weather man; excellent speller; begins to formulate next stupid blog idea.
• 0.04% - Snarls at people who say Windows is better; has spent an hour on the porch; becomes ok at beer pong; begins to think that wrestling might be real after all.
• 0.05% - Dancing begins to seem like an ok idea; possibly at Ain Tain; when confronted with a situation where a decision must be made, asks himself "What would Bill Clinton do?"
• 0.06% - Thinks that a trip to Punters won't actually suck this time, even though it hasn't been fun in two years; believes that Pat Buchanon is an alien; attempts to rescue Kaplan from the fat chick.
• 0.07% - Drifts toward dance floor; wants to go to the Foggy Goggle; excellent speller; gives up trying to rescue Kaplan from the fat chick.
• 0.08% - Shakes non-existent hips in vague time with every third beat; plays country music on the jukebox; has been on the porch for two hours.
• 0.09% - Actually inside of the Foggy Goggle; sings along with the Notorious B.I.G.; vehemently denies that Windows is better.
• 0.10% - Dances horribly; buys lots of Vitamin Water; pushes Republicans down the stairs; can't talk straight, but still able to keep in time with Biggie.
• 0.11% or higher - Swears at anyone who says Windows is better and tells them they should be using a typewriter if that's what they think.
• 0.15% or higher - Loses ability to spell.