Things About Boston That Will Make You Smile If You Don't Suck

Finally, the opposite of the "Annoying Boston" list. These are things in Boston that should make you happy...unless, of course, you suck.

• Mission Hill. I couldn't possibly create a list of the good things in Boston without mentioning the place that taught me how to be the award winning alcoholic I am today. An influx of new businesses have really rejuvenated the area, almost to the point where it's safe to walk through it unarmed at 2 in the afternoon.
• Assholes. Who the fuck wants to live somewhere everyone is nice and friendly to each other? I don't want strangers trying to start up a conversation with me on the street or on the T. Leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone, and we'll get along just fine. Until you get in my way, and then I'm going to flip you off and call your mother a dirty word.
• JC Monahan. The Nelly Furtado of weather girls.
• Drew Bledsoe cannot hurt us anymore. Remember when the Patriots sucked? Remember when they seemed like a good team, and they were just good enough to make you think they were about to win a big game...and then, with a First and Goal on their opponent's five yard line, Drew Bledsoe would toss up a turkey that an 80 year-old blind woman in a wheelchair could pick off, and then said interception would be returned for the touchdown that would seal the game as yet another Patriots loss? You don't remember that? Well, just ask a Cowboys fan! Or better yet, tune in to a Dallas game...even after all these years, I still get that fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know Drew is about to unleash one of his signature game ending brain farts. But whereas it was like passing a tennis ball sized kidney stone when he was a Patriot, now it's like laughing at a drunk old homeless guy who falls down the stairs and takes out a fruit cart and three people who can't figure out how to use the T. It's awesome!
• The Boston Tricycle Man. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk! Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk! Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk!
• The overabundance of coffee shops. If you have to walk more than three minutes to get a coffee, chances are pretty good you're not in Boston anymore. The ratio of people to coffee joints in this city is somewhere around 12 to 1...which means, if we look at teacher-student ratios, that we've got roughly three coffee shops for every teacher in Boston. So quit bitching about the size of your class, get a triple mocha latte, and teach the kids about the Pilgrims! (Note: The number of coffee shops is also good for artsy chicks who don't quite know what to do with their lives but make excellent baristas)
• The marbles in Mayor Menino's mouth. De best powitisha en de nohahaotheast. A twuwee gwait pubbbbbubuubbbwic speeekuh. Mayaya Menino a foahse te be weckonded wit en Botton powitikles. Kaaaahnomedy goald.
  
• You always know where the hippies are going to be. Don't like tie-dye, hemp, free love, or girls with armpit hair? Just avoid JP, Slummerville, MassArt, and Boston Common on the weekends, and you're good to go!
• The Hong Kong. Scorpion bowls plus teryiaki on a stick sold by a guy carrying a whole bucket of the shit equals one of those nights.
• Nuts. If you haven't checked out the...erm...the equipment on the Leopard Statue at Wentworth Institute of Technology, be sure to stop in and take a peek. Scott Colby is proud to be an alumni of the university with the biggest balls on Huntington Avenue.
  
• The things that happen here give Scott Colby something to write about. Nuff said.

Now that that's over with, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend 10eisha, who moved out to San Diego. The Notorious Josh Moody clued me in to her website. Awesome art, and a really excellent site design. Scott Colby hopes that when she hits it big with this stuff she'll let me live in the pool house. So check out her stuff and leave her a message if you knew her (but don't do anything to make her smile, or you'll ruin her meal ticket). Holy shit, I need to figure out how to turn this link off.