Let's get punctuative!

Now that baseball's out of the way, let's move onto something more important: punctuation.

http://02d9656.netsoljsp.com/SarcMark/modules/user/commonfiles/loadhome.do

For the low-low-Billy-Mayes-RIP-low price of $1.99, you too can own the rights to the SarcMark, a piece of punctuation developed by a Michigan company as a means of designating the intended sarcasm of a sentence.

I Stole Your Lunch calls bullshit.

Sarcasm, by its very definition, is meant to be an ironic expression of derision. Putting a big old punctuation mark on it brings it completely out in the open, ruining one of the most fun parts of sarcasm: that your idiot friends don't always realize you're being sarcastic.

That said, I Stole Your Lunch supports the implementation of other radical new forms of punctuation including:

The Dumbassacus. Used to declare sentences of a particularly stupid nature so that those of us who might have an aneurysm can safely skip them. Examples:

• ]Is our children learning?[
• ]The Boston Red Sox would like to announce the signing of JD Drew.[
• ]I can see Russia from my house.[

The Markolon. Used to designate instances of marketing speak that don't actually mean anything so that those of us who might have an aneurysm can safely skip them. Examples:

• |: Expanding your lifestyle by e-enabling sexy initiatives.
• |: Expedite scalable interfaces to deploy visionary action-items.
• |: Don't ask why, try Bud Dry.

The Craptation Mark. Easily confused with the use of the dumbassacus, this is used when the obnoxious stupidity spewing forth from your pen or keyboard is something you learned from the Internet. This time, the proposed new punctuation lets those of us who might have an aneurysm know we should punch you in the face if we ever meet you on the street.

• '{Epic fail!}'
• '{Can I haz...}'
• '{This time, the proposed new punctuation lets those of us who might have an aneurysm know we should punch you in the face if we ever meet you on the street.}'

All that said, none of you are allowed to even think about using any of these until you learn how to use a comma, you big jackasses.

Mad props to J$ for alerting I Stole Your Lunch to the insidious SarcMark.