Go Choke on an Oreo

The sport-o-sphere has been all a-flutter the last two days over recent comments Eli Manning made. When asked if he thought he belonged in the elite class of NFL quarterbacks, he said yes, and then, in a move that surely threw his older brother into a fit of the giggles, proceeded to add that he's in Tom Brady's class.

Eli, the only class you belong in is remedial everything.

Quarterbacks? Let's rank 'em. I apologize for my lack of giant touchscreen board everybody else is using for such things nowadays.

1. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay
You were expecting someone else? Me too. But the more I thought about it, the harder it became to justify putting anyone ahead of this dude. He won the Superbowl with about half his offensive support on the disabled list. Rodgers is the man.

2. Tom Brady, New England
I don't care that he can't dance. I don't care about his taste in footwear or bathing apparel or what his hair looks like (probably awesome). If I'm down by four to Green Bay with 2 minutes to play, I want Brady.

3. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis
Yawn. Fucking Mannings. The Colts are not the team they once were, and I kind of wonder if their decline is due in part to Coach Caldwell's inability to keep Peyton in line. Every time I watched a Colts game last season the commentators told stories about how Peyton basically ran the practices. If you watched his receivers, especially Pierre Garcon, they always went in the tank whenever Peyton chewed them out. The skills and knowledge are there...but I wonder about the leadership.

4. Drew Brees, New Orleans
Speaking of leadership, that's what Breesus Christ does best. He doesn't put the team on his back so much as he inspires them all to raise their game and carry each other. The Falcons are strong and the Bucs are improving, but don't forget about the Saints.

5. Michael Vick, Philadelphia
One of the league's truly special players. He's like Jordan in his prime, or McGwire when he was chasing Maris - if you love the game, and this guy's on the TV, you're watching him. I'd be tempted to put him at number 2 or 3 if I could convince myself that he'd be healthy all season.

6. Jimmy Claussen, Carolina
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLED YOU!

6. Philip Rivers, San Diego
Few things are more entertaining than watching Rivers jaw at the opposite sideline whenever his defense is on the field. One of those things is watching the Chargers pull a Norv and flame out every year.

7. Ben Rothlisberger, Pittsburgh
It'll be interesting to see if the "Keep The Flags In Your Pants For The Ladies" officiating trend that allowed defenders to tee off on Big Ben last year continues.

8. Joe Flacco, Baltimore
I don't trust him in pressure situations just yet, but Flacco's got all the tools. Including a white panel van to go with his creepy serial killer aura.

9. Matty Ice, Atlanta
10. Matt Schaub, Houston
11. Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay
I'm lumping these guys together because I don't have particularly strong feelings about any of them. They won't kill you, but they probably won't win you a playoff game single-handedly, either. Although Freeman's spunky and could easily vault the other two.

Hey, we're through the top third of the league! Where's Elisha? Oh no!

12. Tony Romo, Dallas
I've always enjoyed his work, but I want to see him win a few playoff games. With Wade Phillips finally out of the picture that might actually happen this year.

13. Carson Palmer, retiredHow frickin' stupid do you have to be NOT to try to get whatever you can for a valuable asset at the hardest-to-fill position in the league when said asset very publicly declares that he'll never play for you again? Stupid enough to own the Bengals, apparently.

14. Eli Manning, New YorkAww, there he is! Can you win with Eli under center? Sure! Is he an above-average NFL quarterback? Definitely! He's no Tom Brady, but he's certainly no Tarvaris Jackson.

15. Sam Bradford, The Lou
I like the way this kid plays. I like that he's in a crummy division. I like that the Rams keep improving the team around him. I will probably take him way too early in a fantasy draft.

16. Matt Cassell, Kansas City
17. Kevin Kolb, Arizona
18. Donovan McNabb, Minnesota
19. Matt Stafford, Detroit
20. Colt McCoy, Cleveland
21. David Garrard, Jacksonville
And here we close the segment of the show where the quarterback in question won't kill your team. I'm probably overvaluing McNabb...but no one should ever be judged based on what they did in one season in Washington.

22. Kyle Orton/Tim Tebow, Denver
These guys are on the bubble. Orton could easily take a strong team to the playoffs. Tebow might be able to Jesus a below-average team to 8 or 9 wins and a six-seed. Neither is good enough to get the Broncos anywhere.

23. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo
Deep, deep, deep sleeper. Maybe.
24. Jay Cutler, Chicago
Is there a passer in the league more reliable at killing his team's hopes with an interception?

25. The Sanchize, New York
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

26. Alex Smith, San Francisco
Really?

27. Whoever the fuck is quarterbacking Miami, Oakland, Tennessee, Carolina, and Washington.Can you say Touchdown After Interception? Because the acronym TAINT is so much more appropriate than the ridiculous "Pick-Six." Why won't the damn bold go away no matter how many times I click the button?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

20,689 Tavaris Jackson, Seattle
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA