Let's Rank Wrestlers, August 2011 Edition

I've decided I'm going to do this on the last weekend of every month. I don't care if you don't care. Go read www.dpaddbags.com if you don't like it. IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT.

The Five Wrestlers Who've Entertained Me the Most This Month

5. Alberto Del Rio
Although I wasn't a fan of Del Rio stealing the belt from CM Punk, he's grown on me in the last few weeks. No one is better at smarmy than this guy. His entire act is just one great big exclamation of "Look at me! Look at how great I am! I did this thing today and look how proud of it I am!" and it works ridiculously well. His ring work's solid, and I love how seemingly everything he does is to help set up his Cross Arm Breaker finish. Logic is something we need to see more of in the wrestling ring.

4. R-Truth
I never, ever thought I'd have anything nice to say about this dude. For the longest time he was just blah. Now he's crazy, and it's one of the highlights of my Monday nights. Lil Jimmy! Conspiracies! Spiders! Somebody's gonna git got! His new alliance with the Miz could be a thing of absolute beauty.

3. The Formerly Dashing Cody Rhodes
Cody's on the opposite end of the insane spectrum from R-Truth. He's not funny, he's just psychotic. No one comes close to selling his character the way Cody does. Every mannerism is perfect, from his attempts to hide his "hideous" face to the way he walks to the stunted way he's started to talk. My favorite part of Smackdown is watching this guy lay someone out and then put a paper bag over his head.

2. Mark Henry
It seems like every main event heel of the last five years has been a whiny, cowardly, cheating little snake who can't stop saying bad things about the fans. And that's why Henry's latest heel run is so effective and entertaining; he's doing it the old fashioned way, by beating the hell out of the good guys and being one scary mother. He deserves a run with the belt.

1. CM Punk
Who else? Punk's the best promo going, and he's damn good in the ring when they give him time.

Wrestlers That Make Me Want To Change the Channel
5. The Miz
It pains me to do this to you, Miz. I still love you. But you and I need to have a talk. The Skull Crushing Finale? It needs to go. It just doesn't look like a finisher. It looks bad. Especially when you don't lock your hands behind the guy's neck. I'd recommend a switch to that vicious opponent-on-his-knees DDT you've been rocking my world with lately.

4. Dolph Ziggler
It pains me to do this, too. Dolph's a hell of a wrestler, but it just seems like the writers don't know what to do with him. They tried to make him change his awesome hair. It was back in two weeks. Then they changed his awesome music. Why the fuck did they change his awesome music? Hopefully it'll come back as quickly as his awesome hair did.

Tangent: Lately, whoever's in charge of new entrance themes is doing a shit all job. What happened? It's like they put some shit ass teenage garage band in charge.

3. Kevin Nash
You know what I think when I hear Nash cut a promo? TNA. That makes me sad. You can do better than this, Big Sexy. Punk is running laps around you.

2. Sin Cara
Just...ugh.

1. Randy Orton
Good guy Randy Orton and I do not get along. He's supposed to be a vicious sociopath, but he's walking around with a big smile and (I shit you not) posing for photo ops with Barney the Purple Dinosaur. It just doesn't work. You know what works? That evil son of a bitch that hand cuffed HHH to the ropes then DDT'ed his wife, Stephanie McMahon, and then planted a kiss on her lips right in front of him. Bring him back. Randy's the one they should've turned heel, not Christian.

Quote of the Month
Alberto Del Rio: "What do you want to do today, Alberto Del Rio? I want to beat up Rey Mysterio!"

I do too, Alberto. I do too.