Overanalyzing "Swamp People"

I was out a little late last night. You know, at the library, reading Melville and Bukowski and engaging in pleasant conversation with other learned individuals. We drank milk and ate cookies.

After all that intellectual stimulation, I was in the mood for some trashy television when I finally made it home. Boy, did I find it, in A&E's "Swamp People." This show follows the exploits of several of Louisiana's most upstanding citizens as they hunt gators. Many of these people require subtitles and their fashion sense is off the charts.

How does one hunt gators, you ask? First you lose a few of your teeth so as not to scare the reptiles away. They can smell good dental hygiene coming from a mile away. Next you buy a shit ass boat, grab your grandpappy's ancient rifle, and head to the Piggly Wiggly to get some chicken. Then you hang the chicken from a tree upon a giant hook so its just out of the water. When the gator's hooked, one redneck pulls him up to the surface so the other redneck can blast it in the head. Then you toss it in the bottom of the boat until you can get it to the back of your pickup truck and take it to whoever the fuck buys dead alligators.

I have issues with this.

• Firstly, why the hell are they all packing rifles when the thing they're shooting at is only a few feet away? One asshole had a rifle with a giant scope. I couldn't tell if he was just showing off or if he's such a terrible shot that he would need a telescope to hit his own foot. I kept hoping one of them was somehow going to miss and blow a hole in the boat.
• Why bother with a gun? Seems like a waste of ammo when the thing is right there up against the boat. How about a spear, or a trident, or just a really big rock? Then you don't have to worry about your ammo getting wet, as happened to one particularly eloquent crew.
• My favorite gator hunter, the big guy in the American flag bandana and the overalls and nothing else, was completely convinced that there was a giant gator out there eating all the smaller gators caught on his lines. He even named it The Assassin. His plan for catching The Assassin? Put a hunk of beef on the hook beside the hunk of chicken, then wrap it all in gator meat. Using hot dogs would seem to have been more efficient.
• Another team blew the strategy of all the others away. They ran out of chicken, so they soaked a few rags in chicken juice (freshly squeezed) and Shake N Bake and used those to bait the hooks. And it fucking worked. Which leads me to wonder why any of them bother with wasting money on meat when they can just use old dish towels.

Add gator hunting to the list of things I am an expert on thanks to TV, along with toddler beauty pageants, managing a house full of gold digging hoes, and not being as crazy as Dustin Diamond. I am a legit renaissance man.