One step for man, one giant waddle for fat asses

Few things are more American than the good old television dinner. What could better portray our way of life than a cornucopia of artificial food loaded with so many chemicals it could potentially retain its relative freshness for the entire duration of a fifty-year nuclear war? Every time you take a bite of Hungryman All White Meat Boneless Fried Chicken, you swallow a little of patriotism.

The dominant force in the world of television dinners is and always has been the dessert. Let's face it: the only way to get any normal person to eat beans or brocolli or anything that grows out of the dirt or on a tree is by promising something sweet afterwards. Corn doesn't sell television dinners, and neither do stupid looking mascots who claim to be extreme. Brownies sell television dinners.

Microwave brownie technology has come a long way since its inception in a secret Siberian lab in 1968. The communists were light years ahead when it came to frozen dinner technology, a fact which made the American government extremely nervous. Our own scientists, despite working day and night on the problem at Area 51, had yet to progress past cherry cobbler. With more and more of the world's population forsaking good, wholesome food to instead fill their pieholes with crap, whoever controlled the world's frozen food industry could potentially control the world. Cherry cobbler, unfortunately, did not stand a chance against brownies.

Luckily for the world's capitalist pigs, the commies decided against unleashing their new discovery right away. They feared a possible backlash against such a powerful technology, planning instead to gradually increase the quality of existing frozen dinner brownies. The team of scientists was put inside a giant microwave and nuked to death, and then the one remaining brownie was moved to another lab in North Vietnam.

Tricky Dick Nixon saw his opportunity, and he took it. The Vietnam war was nothing more than a front to steal the Russian technology, and steal it we did. This theft eventually lead to the dissolution of the Soviet Union as the public grew sick of eating cherry cobbler with their microwave meatloaf and overthrew the commie regime, paving the way for imported television dinners with real brownies.

Though a powerful technology, it's proven extremely difficult to harness. The first releases in the early 80's had a bad habit of going up in flames. This didn't dissuade the consumer, who was gladly willing to risk burning down his double wide if there was even a slight chance he could experience the delight which is a frozen dinner brownie. Gradually the mixture was diluted with a solution of water and mercury, changing from a solid to an amorphous glob. Success rates nearly doubled, and sales tripled.

And that's all I have to say about that.