Why the High Life Man Could and Should Beat Up Keith Stone

This is my essay about why Miller High Life's High Life Man could and should beat up Keystone Light's Keith Stone.  The High Life Man could and should beat up Keith Stone because the High Life Man is better than Keith Stone in every way imaginable and some that aren't.  The High Life Man is a modern day Robin Hood.  He takes the Champagne of Beers from rich snobs who don't deserve it and gives it to cool people like you and me because that is a good honest beer for good honest folk.  He would not give any to Keith Stone.

Keith Stone is a socialist and probably a Canadian.  His only powers are rollerskating and summoning birds with fish.  Rollerskating hasn't been cool since they invented a little thing called rollerblading and birds crap everywhere.  Call me when you can summon a fish that carries a bird, Keith Stone.  His powers come from his stupid mustache and his dumb hat, both of which are easily disposed of via fire.  The High Life Man, however, once stumbled upon a moody, ethereal clearing in the middle of the forest one midnight on the Winter Solstice during a full moon the day after an eclipse.  There he met that most gorgeous of all ladies, the High Life Witch, who's buxom figure adorns every bottle and can of the Champagne.  She blessed him with the power to set the world right and made him the only mere mortal that can drive the High Life truck..  That is not something you can burn like a hat or facial hair.  That is forever.

This is how the High Life Man should beat up Keith Stone.  The next time Keith Stone asks someone to hold his stones, the High Life Man should volunteer and then kick Keith right in his stones.  No not the beer his junk.  That way Keith can't make any little pebbles and his line dies out like the Stark line probably will.  Then the High Life Man should marry Keith Stone's eldest daughter so he can straight up usurp Keith Stone's Winterfells.  Then he should back over Keith Stone with his High Life truck and everybody can toast with the Champagne of Beers.

The End.

Not really.  Now I need to explain.  A fan requested that I write a blog about the High Life Man beating up Keith Stone after I posted on Facebook that I wanted to see the High Life Man beat up Keith Stone.  I decided to stretch the wings of my writing by writing this update as if I were an 8 year old in fourth grade submitting an essay to his teacher.  This shows that I am a true arteeeeest and that I my writing has range, bitches.  I am like Chuck Klosterman but better.  I have no idea who the fuck that even is but I see his name in a lot of ladies' OKCupid profiles so I figure if I can spread word that I am better than Chuck Klosterman than more ladies will like me more and one of them will have a yacht and a deathly allergy to pre-nuptual agreements.

What the hell is wrong with me?

2011 NFC Preview

East
1. Philadelphia Eagles - They're loaded. Unfortunately there's a better chance of me waking up on a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean surrounded by Brazilian supermodels fighting over which of them gets to apply my sunscreen than of Michael Vick playing 16 regular season games. I feel like they've got the depth to survive losing him for 2 or 3 games. More than that, and things get dicey.

2. Dallas Cowboys - Unfortunately for America's Team, the year they finally play up to their potential is also the year they have to deal with having the fucking Juggernaut in their division. Even without Tony Romo, I liked what I saw out of the 'boys under Jason Garrett last season.

3. New York Giants - There's just too much talent in the division for Elisha's crew to make the playoffs. They'll be the best team on the outside looking in.

4. Washington Redskins - Oh, that Rex Grossman! The playoffs? Really? Maybe if you were in the West...and even then it'd be a close race.

North
1. Green Bay Packers - Keep in mind that Green Bay won the Superbowl with approximately 163 starters on the disabled list last season. A deep run toward a perfect season is not out of the question.

2. Detroit Lions - This is the year they finally make it back to the playoffs. They're building this team the right way: along both lines, and then with a stud quarterback. Why any suck ass team spends any money on any other positions is beyond me.

3. Chicago Bears - The new kick off rules will lead to a significant increase in touchbacks, in turn sending Jay Cutler's TAINT total to never before seen heights. I can't wait.

4. Minnesota Vikings - I'm sorry, McNabb. I really am.

South
1. Atlanta Falcons - Solid everywhere, but kind of blah. Twelve wins, little fanfare.

2. New Orleans Saints - Sean Payton is arguably the best coach in the entire league. No one adjusts at halftime like the Saints. The defense is falling apart a little bit, but don't count them out with a healthy Pierre Thomas complemented by Mark Ingram.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Love this squad, but not more than I love the Saints and the Durrrty Birds. Freeman and Blount will lead the Buccos to the post-season for years to come-starting next year.

4. Carolina Panthers - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

West
1. St. Louis Rams - Love the way they're building this team. In any other division they'd still be a year away, but the West sucks. The Toronto Blue Jays could win this shit show.

2. Arizona Cardinals - Sketchy on both lines. No running game or defense to speak of. Good luck, Kevin Kolb.

3. Seattle Seahawks - Pete Carroll, you deserve Tarvaris Jackson.

4. San Francisco 49ers - Just blow it up, get what you can for Patrick Willis, and start over all ready.

Byes: Philadelphia, Green Bay

Playoffs: Atlanta, The Lou, Dallas, Detroit

First Round: Atlanta over Detroit; Dallas over the Lou

Second Round: Philadelphia over Dallas; Green Bay over Atlanta

Championship: Philadelphia over Green Bay

---

Super Bowl: New England over Philadelphia
I can picture it now: the Pats are up by 3 with 1:30 to play, and the Eagles are driving...and then they stall out because Andy Reid blew all his timeouts on stupid challenges. Next season, Philly introduces the world's first Clock Management Coordinator.

2011 AFC Preview

East

1. New England Patriots - Who else? They've improved across the board, except perhaps on the offensive line and the secondary. It looks like they'll actually be able to generate a pass rush with that new 4-3. They might have one of the most underrated stables of running backs in the league with Lawfirm, Woody, and rookie Stevan Ridley. The key for the Pats is whether they've learned to make halftime adjustments. Last year, they didn't even bother.

2. New York Jets - I'd love this team if they played in any other city under any other name, save for one glaring weakness: the Sanchize. Gang Green needs a new quarterback worse than Facebook needs a baby filter. He's a game manager at best. Like babies, game managers all look the same, often have a completely befuddled look on their drooling faces, and tend to stink the joint up at inopportune times.

3. Buffalo Bills - My AFC sleeper if one of the above stumbles. They've got a decent quarterback and an improving defense. Playing a few home games in Toronto under Canadian rules will give them a huge advantage when they get to put twelve guys on the field.

4. Miami Dolphins - Talk about a black hole of suck. Coach Sparano's gone by midseason.

North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers - The absolute cream of the crop in the AFC. I want to hang out with Coach Tomlin.

2. Baltimore Ravens - Not there yet. Ray Lewis needs to wear more Old Spice if he wants to get his club past the Steel Curtain.

3. Cleveland Browns - I can see 7 wins. Maybe 8. Maybe I'm way too high on Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis. Trusting a couple of goofy looking white guys to carry your team is never a good call.

4. Cincinnati Bengals - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

South

1. Houston Texans - Nope, they're not the Colts.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Not the Colts either.

3. Tennessee Titans - Still no Oreos.

4. Indianapolis Colts - That's right, I said it. This is the year they implode. Two words: Kerry Collins. What do they really have other than Manning? Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and a coach that doesn't blink.

West

1. Oakland Raiders - Despite all the comedy, this is a tough team. Tough teams with good runners and solid defenses win 9 games and occasionally a division.

2. Kansas City Chiefs - Meh. Not sold.

3. San Diego Chargers - Good riddance, Norv. I expect awesome faces from Phillip Rivers this year.

4. Denver Broncos - Just a mess. Too many quarterbacks, not enough of anything else.

Byes: Pittsburgh, New England

Playoffs: Houston, Oakland, New York, Baltimore

Round 1: Houston over Baltimore; New York over Oakland

Round 2: Pittsburgh over New York; New England over Houston

Championship: New England over Pittsburgh

Let's Rank Wrestlers, August 2011 Edition

I've decided I'm going to do this on the last weekend of every month. I don't care if you don't care. Go read www.dpaddbags.com if you don't like it. IT'S MY BLOG AND I'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT.

The Five Wrestlers Who've Entertained Me the Most This Month

5. Alberto Del Rio
Although I wasn't a fan of Del Rio stealing the belt from CM Punk, he's grown on me in the last few weeks. No one is better at smarmy than this guy. His entire act is just one great big exclamation of "Look at me! Look at how great I am! I did this thing today and look how proud of it I am!" and it works ridiculously well. His ring work's solid, and I love how seemingly everything he does is to help set up his Cross Arm Breaker finish. Logic is something we need to see more of in the wrestling ring.

4. R-Truth
I never, ever thought I'd have anything nice to say about this dude. For the longest time he was just blah. Now he's crazy, and it's one of the highlights of my Monday nights. Lil Jimmy! Conspiracies! Spiders! Somebody's gonna git got! His new alliance with the Miz could be a thing of absolute beauty.

3. The Formerly Dashing Cody Rhodes
Cody's on the opposite end of the insane spectrum from R-Truth. He's not funny, he's just psychotic. No one comes close to selling his character the way Cody does. Every mannerism is perfect, from his attempts to hide his "hideous" face to the way he walks to the stunted way he's started to talk. My favorite part of Smackdown is watching this guy lay someone out and then put a paper bag over his head.

2. Mark Henry
It seems like every main event heel of the last five years has been a whiny, cowardly, cheating little snake who can't stop saying bad things about the fans. And that's why Henry's latest heel run is so effective and entertaining; he's doing it the old fashioned way, by beating the hell out of the good guys and being one scary mother. He deserves a run with the belt.

1. CM Punk
Who else? Punk's the best promo going, and he's damn good in the ring when they give him time.

Wrestlers That Make Me Want To Change the Channel
5. The Miz
It pains me to do this to you, Miz. I still love you. But you and I need to have a talk. The Skull Crushing Finale? It needs to go. It just doesn't look like a finisher. It looks bad. Especially when you don't lock your hands behind the guy's neck. I'd recommend a switch to that vicious opponent-on-his-knees DDT you've been rocking my world with lately.

4. Dolph Ziggler
It pains me to do this, too. Dolph's a hell of a wrestler, but it just seems like the writers don't know what to do with him. They tried to make him change his awesome hair. It was back in two weeks. Then they changed his awesome music. Why the fuck did they change his awesome music? Hopefully it'll come back as quickly as his awesome hair did.

Tangent: Lately, whoever's in charge of new entrance themes is doing a shit all job. What happened? It's like they put some shit ass teenage garage band in charge.

3. Kevin Nash
You know what I think when I hear Nash cut a promo? TNA. That makes me sad. You can do better than this, Big Sexy. Punk is running laps around you.

2. Sin Cara
Just...ugh.

1. Randy Orton
Good guy Randy Orton and I do not get along. He's supposed to be a vicious sociopath, but he's walking around with a big smile and (I shit you not) posing for photo ops with Barney the Purple Dinosaur. It just doesn't work. You know what works? That evil son of a bitch that hand cuffed HHH to the ropes then DDT'ed his wife, Stephanie McMahon, and then planted a kiss on her lips right in front of him. Bring him back. Randy's the one they should've turned heel, not Christian.

Quote of the Month
Alberto Del Rio: "What do you want to do today, Alberto Del Rio? I want to beat up Rey Mysterio!"

I do too, Alberto. I do too.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS SHOPPING LIST

• Thirty rack of the 'gansett.
• Box of Wheat Thins. Original flavor, normal size.
• Toilet paper, two-ply.

If I need anything else I'll grab the baseball bat and head for Tufts. In the meantime I'll be on the porch drinking cheap booze and chowing down on America's favorite cracker. No, not Ryan Seacrest.

Go Choke on an Oreo

The sport-o-sphere has been all a-flutter the last two days over recent comments Eli Manning made. When asked if he thought he belonged in the elite class of NFL quarterbacks, he said yes, and then, in a move that surely threw his older brother into a fit of the giggles, proceeded to add that he's in Tom Brady's class.

Eli, the only class you belong in is remedial everything.

Quarterbacks? Let's rank 'em. I apologize for my lack of giant touchscreen board everybody else is using for such things nowadays.

1. Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay
You were expecting someone else? Me too. But the more I thought about it, the harder it became to justify putting anyone ahead of this dude. He won the Superbowl with about half his offensive support on the disabled list. Rodgers is the man.

2. Tom Brady, New England
I don't care that he can't dance. I don't care about his taste in footwear or bathing apparel or what his hair looks like (probably awesome). If I'm down by four to Green Bay with 2 minutes to play, I want Brady.

3. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis
Yawn. Fucking Mannings. The Colts are not the team they once were, and I kind of wonder if their decline is due in part to Coach Caldwell's inability to keep Peyton in line. Every time I watched a Colts game last season the commentators told stories about how Peyton basically ran the practices. If you watched his receivers, especially Pierre Garcon, they always went in the tank whenever Peyton chewed them out. The skills and knowledge are there...but I wonder about the leadership.

4. Drew Brees, New Orleans
Speaking of leadership, that's what Breesus Christ does best. He doesn't put the team on his back so much as he inspires them all to raise their game and carry each other. The Falcons are strong and the Bucs are improving, but don't forget about the Saints.

5. Michael Vick, Philadelphia
One of the league's truly special players. He's like Jordan in his prime, or McGwire when he was chasing Maris - if you love the game, and this guy's on the TV, you're watching him. I'd be tempted to put him at number 2 or 3 if I could convince myself that he'd be healthy all season.

6. Jimmy Claussen, Carolina
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLED YOU!

6. Philip Rivers, San Diego
Few things are more entertaining than watching Rivers jaw at the opposite sideline whenever his defense is on the field. One of those things is watching the Chargers pull a Norv and flame out every year.

7. Ben Rothlisberger, Pittsburgh
It'll be interesting to see if the "Keep The Flags In Your Pants For The Ladies" officiating trend that allowed defenders to tee off on Big Ben last year continues.

8. Joe Flacco, Baltimore
I don't trust him in pressure situations just yet, but Flacco's got all the tools. Including a white panel van to go with his creepy serial killer aura.

9. Matty Ice, Atlanta
10. Matt Schaub, Houston
11. Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay
I'm lumping these guys together because I don't have particularly strong feelings about any of them. They won't kill you, but they probably won't win you a playoff game single-handedly, either. Although Freeman's spunky and could easily vault the other two.

Hey, we're through the top third of the league! Where's Elisha? Oh no!

12. Tony Romo, Dallas
I've always enjoyed his work, but I want to see him win a few playoff games. With Wade Phillips finally out of the picture that might actually happen this year.

13. Carson Palmer, retiredHow frickin' stupid do you have to be NOT to try to get whatever you can for a valuable asset at the hardest-to-fill position in the league when said asset very publicly declares that he'll never play for you again? Stupid enough to own the Bengals, apparently.

14. Eli Manning, New YorkAww, there he is! Can you win with Eli under center? Sure! Is he an above-average NFL quarterback? Definitely! He's no Tom Brady, but he's certainly no Tarvaris Jackson.

15. Sam Bradford, The Lou
I like the way this kid plays. I like that he's in a crummy division. I like that the Rams keep improving the team around him. I will probably take him way too early in a fantasy draft.

16. Matt Cassell, Kansas City
17. Kevin Kolb, Arizona
18. Donovan McNabb, Minnesota
19. Matt Stafford, Detroit
20. Colt McCoy, Cleveland
21. David Garrard, Jacksonville
And here we close the segment of the show where the quarterback in question won't kill your team. I'm probably overvaluing McNabb...but no one should ever be judged based on what they did in one season in Washington.

22. Kyle Orton/Tim Tebow, Denver
These guys are on the bubble. Orton could easily take a strong team to the playoffs. Tebow might be able to Jesus a below-average team to 8 or 9 wins and a six-seed. Neither is good enough to get the Broncos anywhere.

23. Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo
Deep, deep, deep sleeper. Maybe.
24. Jay Cutler, Chicago
Is there a passer in the league more reliable at killing his team's hopes with an interception?

25. The Sanchize, New York
Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

26. Alex Smith, San Francisco
Really?

27. Whoever the fuck is quarterbacking Miami, Oakland, Tennessee, Carolina, and Washington.Can you say Touchdown After Interception? Because the acronym TAINT is so much more appropriate than the ridiculous "Pick-Six." Why won't the damn bold go away no matter how many times I click the button?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

20,689 Tavaris Jackson, Seattle
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Taking Stock of the Market

The stock market's unreliable and sometimes it loses value? Who'd a-thunk it? That reminds me of how sometimes it rains and sometimes it's sunny. WILD.

That's not to say that the investment world doesn't deserve a solid lampooning. I'd argue that more often than not it deserves a roundhouse kick to the face. And this is why I haven't been contributing to my company's 403B--the thought of those snakes getting their greasy mitts on my money makes me want to bitch and moan to a faceless Internet audience.

Now that I've been at said company for a year, said company is automatically contributing an amount equal to 5% of my salary to said 403B. I tried to get the HR lady to just leave the 5% under my desk in unmarked bills, but she wasn't having any of that. Which is sad, because I had big plans for that money, all of which were guaranteed to make more than investing in a random string of numbers and letters:

• I was going to bury it all in coffee cans in the backyard in the hope that more money would spontaneously generate in said cans due to the combined influence of geologic pressure and quantum rays.
• I was going to spend it all on stock in underwear companies. People always need underwear, and they often need to replace it. Accidents happen.
• I was going to use it to buy the food needed for a giant barbecue. Whenever I barbecue, the money I spend on food is always paid back to me double in the value of the booze my guests leave behind. This is just sound business.
• I was going to buy the gold '66 Cadillac Pimp Mobile up the street and rent it out to Don Magic Juan.
• I was going to use it as start up capitol for my own pyramid scheme.
• I was going to take it to Good Times and win enough Skee-Ball tickets to get a speedboat. OH WAIT I CAN'T BECAUSE OF THOSE DAMN SWEDES.

I'm done. Let's be real: I was going to take it to the Kowloon, by myself a pu-pu platter and a half dozen mai-tais, and play Keno until I got kicked out.

Tonight's Trashy Entertainment Sucked

I was really looking forward to tonight. Or technically last night, I guess. True Blood! Summerslam! Now I'm so annoyed I can't sleep.

Can we start with how completely frickin' disgusting Eric and Sookie are? They're so disgusting I wish she was back with Vampire Bill. Seriously. Can we just hurry up to the inevitable part when Eric gets his memory back but pretends he still doesn't have it so he can keep banging Sook because for some reason she likes him better as a ridiculous manchild? Because that part's going to be brilliant. Remember how awesome he was when he was an evil bastard? Now take that evil bastard and make him try to hide inside of a grown man with the morals and world view of a five-year-old. Skarsgaard's performance is going to be worthy of an EGOT even though there probably won't be any singing.

And then we have Summerslam. First Christian loses his belt to boring ass Randy Orton, then CM Punk beats Cena in a match with an absolutely terrible finish. Every other the-referee-missed-the-foot-on-the-rope-and-counted-three-anyway match in the last five years has been overturned by some sort of authority figure who saw it in the back and came running out to restart the match and save the day. Why didn't that happen with this one? And what is up with this new hit-a-move-get-a-nearfall-lie-around-on-the-ground-for-five-minutes-lather-rinse-repeat crap clogging our Pay-Per-Views nowadays? And then Kevin Nash lays out Punk so Alberto Del Rio can cash in his title shot. Don't get me wrong, it's always good to see Big Sexy, but Del Rio? After the summer Punk has had? I love Del Rio's entrance, what with the personal ring announcer and the smarmy look-at-how-great-I-am mannerisms, but no. Just no. Punk's Jesus faces beat that any day of the week, and he's the only guy other than Cena that gets any sort of reaction from the live crowd. YOU-CAN-TELL-I'M-PISSED-BECAUSE-OF-MY-EGREGIOUS-USE-OF-HYPHENS!

Where's my gold '66 Cadillac Pimp Mobile when I need to take a drive to clear my head? My life is so hard...

Who wants to give me $3500 so I can buy the '66 Cadillac Pimp Mobile for sale up the street?

Its distinctive 60's gold is like a beacon in a sea of marketing-survey approved blues, reds, and silvers. It's got fins. Why the fuck don't more cars have fins? It's a shame that went out of style. It takes up approximately two-and-a-half parking spots and probably gets about 3 miles to the gallon, but I don't care about the planet nearly as much as I care about how frickin' sexy I would look behind the wheel of this baby.

No, I don't have a license. If I had a ride this fly, I'd go get one. Why waste my time taking tests and dealing with the RMV unless there's a pimp mobile at the end of the rainbow?

I can picture it now: I cruise into Davis Square, pop it into neutral, and crank the stereo to THUMPIN'. Hoochies come running from all corners of Somerville to dance around my vehicle. This whip was made for ghost ridin', ladies and gentlemen, and I'm just the man to fulfill its destiny.

What does your $3500 get you?

• Automatic shotgun privileges for life.
• First crack at the ghost ridin' hoochies.
• Free autographed 8 x 12 of me lying across the hood in a matching gold Speedo.
• Title of Associate Vice President of Pimpin'.
• Monthly ride to Target.
• Warm, fuzzy feeling you can only get from helping your fellow man achieve something historic.

Plus it's tax deductible. Probably.

OCHOCINCO COME LIVE WITH ME!!!!!!

(Explanation: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Seeking-a-roommate-in-New-England-How-about-Cha?urn=nfl-wp4842)(Thanks Dan)

None of my roommates are moving out but that's ok. We can get bunk beds. I'm sure they make a double-decker attachment for my Bob-O-Pedic. If not I'll sleep on the floor. We can tell each other stories and have pillow fights and make fun of Rex Ryan. Did you know he likes feet? Like, a lot? A lot a lot? Like so much that it's wicked funny and it'll never, ever get old?

I've got an awesome porch. We can go to Target and buy another mini rocking chair so you and I have matching seats.

I know my way around Boston, especially the bars. Give me the name of a bar and I will be able to tell you many things about it, including:

• Relative price range.
• Dress code.
• What's likely on tap.
• Whether you want to eat there.
• What kind of hot mamas be frontin' in the specified establishment.
• Whether it's safe to take a dump.

And I've got XBox! And TiVo! We can watch Monday Night Raw and then play Smackdown vs. Raw and it will be a hoot! I made myself in the game. I spent two days perfecting my entrance and figuring out how to load in a Yellowcard song as my music! We can do that for you, too. And then we can be a tag team and beat the hell out of all the other wrestlers. Except Edge. I don't let Video Game Edge lose since Real Life Edge had to retire.

And we can grill! And go to Diesel! A lot of the people in there will remind you of the Cincinnati Bengals. It'll be great! I'll even change my last name to a number so it's like we're in a club. I'll be Scott Soixante-Neuf. It's classy because it's French! Why am I using so many exclamation points? Oh, right, because I'm excited and this is the best idea ever!

Let's Talk Debt

Because my terrible blog is where you come for all of your political analysis.

When I first heard that Moody's S&P had downgraded US debt from a AAA to a AA+, I couldn't help wondering what the fuck took so long. Is there a semi-literate, semi-informed adult on the planet that thinks we'll ever actually pay off what we owe? Put your hand down, you're making my readership look dumber than it actually is.

Then it dawned on me that this was the same ratings agency that put high grades on the ridiculous mortgage-backed securities that tanked our economy a few years ago. That was basically the economic equivalent of pulling into port with a Faneuil Hall tugboat just because you liked her eyeliner. It's no wonder it took them so long to realize what's been clear to the rest of us for the last few years.

If they can't agree on which taxes to raise and which programs to cut (that's right, children, you have to do both, not just one or the other), then I demand they find some new ways to generate revenue. Here are a few suggestions:

• Implement a "I banged an intern/page/campaign staffer" jar. Like a swear jar but better and more likely to make a lot of money given the tendencies of those involved. Twenty five cents per banging.
• Have a monthly bake sale.
• Start a Kickstarter project promising to change the pronunciation of John Boehner's name to more accurately reflect the way everyone reads it. There is no way in hell that's not boner.
• Finally release that "Lovely Ladies of the Senate" calendar we red-blooded American males have been pining for since puberty. OH MAN, PANTSUITS! GIVE ME THOSE PANTSUITS!
• Give Scott Brown all the Social Security money and send him to play poker with A-Rod.

Or maybe they should just declare bankruptcy. It worked for Trump. Twice.

Overanalyzing "Swamp People"

I was out a little late last night. You know, at the library, reading Melville and Bukowski and engaging in pleasant conversation with other learned individuals. We drank milk and ate cookies.

After all that intellectual stimulation, I was in the mood for some trashy television when I finally made it home. Boy, did I find it, in A&E's "Swamp People." This show follows the exploits of several of Louisiana's most upstanding citizens as they hunt gators. Many of these people require subtitles and their fashion sense is off the charts.

How does one hunt gators, you ask? First you lose a few of your teeth so as not to scare the reptiles away. They can smell good dental hygiene coming from a mile away. Next you buy a shit ass boat, grab your grandpappy's ancient rifle, and head to the Piggly Wiggly to get some chicken. Then you hang the chicken from a tree upon a giant hook so its just out of the water. When the gator's hooked, one redneck pulls him up to the surface so the other redneck can blast it in the head. Then you toss it in the bottom of the boat until you can get it to the back of your pickup truck and take it to whoever the fuck buys dead alligators.

I have issues with this.

• Firstly, why the hell are they all packing rifles when the thing they're shooting at is only a few feet away? One asshole had a rifle with a giant scope. I couldn't tell if he was just showing off or if he's such a terrible shot that he would need a telescope to hit his own foot. I kept hoping one of them was somehow going to miss and blow a hole in the boat.
• Why bother with a gun? Seems like a waste of ammo when the thing is right there up against the boat. How about a spear, or a trident, or just a really big rock? Then you don't have to worry about your ammo getting wet, as happened to one particularly eloquent crew.
• My favorite gator hunter, the big guy in the American flag bandana and the overalls and nothing else, was completely convinced that there was a giant gator out there eating all the smaller gators caught on his lines. He even named it The Assassin. His plan for catching The Assassin? Put a hunk of beef on the hook beside the hunk of chicken, then wrap it all in gator meat. Using hot dogs would seem to have been more efficient.
• Another team blew the strategy of all the others away. They ran out of chicken, so they soaked a few rags in chicken juice (freshly squeezed) and Shake N Bake and used those to bait the hooks. And it fucking worked. Which leads me to wonder why any of them bother with wasting money on meat when they can just use old dish towels.

Add gator hunting to the list of things I am an expert on thanks to TV, along with toddler beauty pageants, managing a house full of gold digging hoes, and not being as crazy as Dustin Diamond. I am a legit renaissance man.