I Stole Your Black Bean and Rice Surprise

1. Discover heretofore forgotten can of black beans in back of pantry. Examine thoroughly for signs of rodent infestation.
2. Locate black bean and rice recipe printed on side of can. Decide that said recipe sounds like a good idea.
3. Allow shoulders to slump in epic sadness upon realization that required vegetables and Adobobobodobo seasonings are nowhere to be found.
4. Realize that lack of onions and peppers are not a problem due to possession of carrots, celery, and green onions that are just going to go bad in a few days anyway.
5. Chop replacement vegetables and saute in canola oil whilst humming chorus of new Ludacris single (DO NOT MISS THIS STEP).
6. Add beans, 3/4 cup of water, too much garlic powder, quite a bit of Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning, and some oregano. Mix and bring to a boil.
7. Laugh at the can's suggestion to reduce to a simmer, knowing that said simmer will not properly thicken developing sauce. Reinforce status as culinary genius by adding a dash of chili powder and boiling for ten minutes, or until liquid is half gone.
8. Poor into 2 cups instant white rice. Mix thoroughly while humming chorus of new Lil Wayne single.
9. Have both girlfriend and roommate test.
10. ]Let cool for five to ten minutes to see if girlfriend and/or roommate tosses their cookies, rushes to bathroom with explosive diarrhea, or erupts in hives.[
11. Eat, laughing once again at your own culinary genius.
12. Post stupid blog.

Let's get punctuative!

Now that baseball's out of the way, let's move onto something more important: punctuation.

http://02d9656.netsoljsp.com/SarcMark/modules/user/commonfiles/loadhome.do

For the low-low-Billy-Mayes-RIP-low price of $1.99, you too can own the rights to the SarcMark, a piece of punctuation developed by a Michigan company as a means of designating the intended sarcasm of a sentence.

I Stole Your Lunch calls bullshit.

Sarcasm, by its very definition, is meant to be an ironic expression of derision. Putting a big old punctuation mark on it brings it completely out in the open, ruining one of the most fun parts of sarcasm: that your idiot friends don't always realize you're being sarcastic.

That said, I Stole Your Lunch supports the implementation of other radical new forms of punctuation including:

The Dumbassacus. Used to declare sentences of a particularly stupid nature so that those of us who might have an aneurysm can safely skip them. Examples:

• ]Is our children learning?[
• ]The Boston Red Sox would like to announce the signing of JD Drew.[
• ]I can see Russia from my house.[

The Markolon. Used to designate instances of marketing speak that don't actually mean anything so that those of us who might have an aneurysm can safely skip them. Examples:

• |: Expanding your lifestyle by e-enabling sexy initiatives.
• |: Expedite scalable interfaces to deploy visionary action-items.
• |: Don't ask why, try Bud Dry.

The Craptation Mark. Easily confused with the use of the dumbassacus, this is used when the obnoxious stupidity spewing forth from your pen or keyboard is something you learned from the Internet. This time, the proposed new punctuation lets those of us who might have an aneurysm know we should punch you in the face if we ever meet you on the street.

• '{Epic fail!}'
• '{Can I haz...}'
• '{This time, the proposed new punctuation lets those of us who might have an aneurysm know we should punch you in the face if we ever meet you on the street.}'

All that said, none of you are allowed to even think about using any of these until you learn how to use a comma, you big jackasses.

Mad props to J$ for alerting I Stole Your Lunch to the insidious SarcMark.

2010 MLB Preview - The Postseason

Ahh, October (and lately, November). Every baseball fan's favorite time of year. The field has been whittled down to the best and the brightest, the shitty teams have auctioned off their few passable stars to the highest bidders, and Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are making asses of themselves every night while Orsillo, RemDog, Eck, and TC sit at home placing bets on who's going to win Celebrity Jeopardy.

Wild Card Round
New York over Minnesota in four - This is like handing the little engine that could a squirt gun and telling it to go bring down the Death Star. Their only chance is to hope A-Rod freezes to death during one of the games played in Minnesota.

Texas over Boston in five - Unless the Red Sox trade for Adrian Gonzalez. Which they won't.

Philadelphia over Los Angeles in four - Unless the Phillies bullpen implodes. Which it won't, since they're going to make a trade that nets them a viable backup for what's left of Brad Lidge.

Colorado over The Lou in five - Should be the best series of the first round, if you're willing to stay up all night to watch it.

League Championship Series(es)
New York over Texas in six - Though the Rangers can outhit and out-inspirational-story the Yanks, they can't outpitch them. Rich Harden's arm finally explodes in Game 5.

Philadelphia over Colorado in seven - Keira Knightley vs. Scarlett Johansson in a giant vat of chocolate pudding with Bill Cosby on commentary while hundred dollar bills rain down from the ceiling and free High Life is served in golden chalices. Everybody wins! They should just move everybody to the National League.

World Series
Philadelphia over New York in six - Unimaginative? Perhaps. But these two really are the class of their respective leagues, and Halladay and Polanco are just that much better than Lee and Feliz. Without Matsui, the Yankees are screwed.

2010 MLB Preview - National League West

Finally we've reached my favoritest division in all the land. Each of these five clubs is fascinating for its own particular reason, unlike the AL Central or the cast of Jersey Shore. Any thought of the NL West, no matter how inconsequential, typically requires a change of pants.

1. Colorado Rockies
These guys are like the anti-Mets: they continually refresh their roster with quality home-grown talent, and they always find a way to make one hell of a charge the last few months.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Scarlett Johanson. God damn.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers (Wildcard)
A questionable rotation and a shaky infield keep them from taking the top spot, but they may have the best pen in the majors. Too bad Mrs. McCourt is going to get half of it.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Rhianna. Always solid, though the hair's kind of funny at times. Matt Kemp could be the Jeter of the West.

3. San Fransisco Giants
Aubrey Huff + Mark DeRosa does not a threatening lineup make.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Megan Fox. Everybody's favorite, but completely lacking substance and stuck married to that funny looking dude from 90210.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks
They won't be as far out of the race as this fourth place finish might suggest. Haren, Webb, and Jackson are arguably the top 1-2-3 in the Senior Circuit, but their homegrown lineup strikes out more than I used to in the Foggy Goggle.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Jessica Alba. Great in theory, but they'll never be able to carry a feature on their own.

5. San Diego Padres
Their owner's 2008 divorce left this team ravaged. This is what the Dodgers could look like in a few years if they aren't careful.
Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Whitney Houston. Stay away from the crack, Rhianna, or this could be you. At least she's already escaped the vile clutches of a man named Brown.

2010 MLB Preview - National League Central

The Central is always one of the most entertaining divisions in the bigs and this season should be no different. I admit it: I just flat out love the National League.

1. St. Louis Cardinals

This team flat out knows how to get things done, consistently plugging holes with guys pulled off the scrap heap, given a tune up, and unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Matt Holliday's big deal meant there was no money for the suddenly revitalized Joel Pineiro, but life goes on in the Lou.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Sandra Bullock. Consistent, and you can never completely count them out.

2. Cincinnati Reds

Dusty's boys will be this year's big surprise. There's a lot more talent here than most people think. They won't be close to the Cardinals, but they will contend for the Wild Card and squeak past the Cubbies for second.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lady Gaga. Coming out of nowhere to great fanfare, but not quite awards material yet despite several nominations.

3. Chicago Cubs

You know you've got problems when your biggest offseason move is trading a malcontent board game magnate for a lard ass with a career ERA bigger than my shoe size. Could be the year Lou Piniella finally kills somebody on the field.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Katie Holmes. An attractive pick until you remember they're batshit insane.

4. Milwaukee Brewers

It pains me to say this about my adopted NL team...but it's time to blow it up and rebuild. They've got Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder and not much else, mainly because Prince eats just about everybody they sign, which is why they can only employ pitchers that are way past their expiration dates.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Joan Rivers. Tough and stringy.

5. Houston Astros

I totally had to Google "National League Central teams" because I couldn't remember these guys were even in the division. Even that stupid hill they put against the centerfield fence wasn't enough to keep them in my mind. At least they're not the Pirates.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Betty White. Definitely not getting any younger, but still hilarious.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates

Ugh. At this point, their only hope is to sell the team to Mark Cuban.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Kate Gosselin. They just keep pumping out losers.

2010 MLB Preview - National League East

One can't-miss contender followed by a semi-competitive rival, a dark horse, and two complete jokes. The NL East is basically a VH1 dating show.

1. Philadelphia Phillies

I love me some Roy Halladay, but this year's biggest trade is going to kill the Phillies down the road. Their extension of Joe Blanton's contract leads me to believe they probably could've gotten a deal done with Cliff Lee. Still, they're the team to beat in the Senior Circuit. Nigh untouchable.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Keira Knightley. The best.

2. Atlanta Braves

Should be a big season for star prospects Hansen, Medlen, and Heyward. They've positioned themselves well to take the division back from Philly in a year or two. For now, just not enough offense.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Lindsay Lohan. Fell apart temporarily, but poised for a comeback.

3. Florida Marlins

Just spunky enough to be intriguing. Just young enough that it won't happen for a year or two yet.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Miley Cyrus. Jailbait.

4. Washington Nationals

Another team on its way up, but only because there wasn't much farther to fall. Beyond Zimmerman, Strasburg, Dunn, and the Racing Presidents, everyone on the roster seems more like a nice complementary player than a franchise building block. Sad that they can't fill that gorgeous stadium.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: A Kardashian. No one cares, but the house is nice.

5. New York Mets

Wow.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent: Deputy Trudy Weigel, Reno Sheriff's Department. General Manager Omar Minaya is going to be talking to his cats and making conjugal visits to serial killers by the time he's done here.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for an emergency broadcast

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b165366_did_pete_wentz_have_fall_out_boy_fallout.html

Fallout Boy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There hasn't been such an awesomely melodramatic group of skinny jeans-clad emos since they started Panicking in the Disco. I'd cut myself, but I can't get through the scars their music has left on my wrists with anything short of a chainsaw.

So what happened? It sounds like no one's really sure. Here are the top theories:

• Ashlee "Yoko" Simpson insisted they rename the band something stupid, like "Manhattan Ballou."
• They didn't have a scene, they had an arms race. And someone brought a minigun.
• Lead singer Pete Wentz is doing his best Axl Rose impersonation. "Colombian Capitalism" to be released in seventeen years when no one cares.
• Drummer ran out of available skin for red-and-black star tattoos.
• They're falling apart to half time.
• My Chemical Romance stole the bassist.

But really, there is no way in hell this is not Ashlee's fault. That ho needs to keep her ginormous nose out of things. They aren't even going down swingin', for cripes sakes.

2010 MLB Preview - American League West

It finally gets interesting. There isn't a single team in this division that isn't entertaining–and I mean entertaining in a good, "let's see what Dexter's up to this week" way rather than in a bad, "oh my God Bret Michaels on a bus with fifteen gold digging strippers" way. This one's going to be tight.

1. Texas Rangers

A lot depends on their young pitching staff. I think they've got just enough that their offense won't have to carry them every night, making them the most complete team in the division–a status they should enjoy for years to come, especially now that they've got a new owner and will be able to make a deadline move or two.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Taylor Swift. This is the team everybody's going to be talking about, and with good reason.

2. Anaheim Angels

A lot of people look at this team and focus on what they've lost: Lackey, Figgins, Vladdy. I see a team that has always known when to cut the cord on their older stars (Salmon, Anderson, Glaus, Washburn) and probably hasn't missed the mark here. If Pineiro's new stuff translates to the American League and Kendry keeps mashing, they're going to contend for both the West and the Wild Card.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Jennifer Aniston. Just when you think they're down and out, they come back looking even younger than before but just as spectacular. Never count them out.

3. Seattle Mariners

Where's the offense? And if you say "Milton Bradley," I'll give him your address and tell him how much you like the Cubs.

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - That super skinny Fatimah chick I saw on America's Next Top Model the other day. Somebody get these boys a hamburger with a side of human growth hormone.

4. Oakland Athletics

Poor Billy Beane. Now that everyone else has discovered the magic of on-base percentage, what's a small market team to do? Answer: sign one big name per year and then trade his ass for a shit ton of prospects at the deadline. Call it Taking a Holliday, or maybe Tucking in the Sheets. Might I suggest he just switch to Hollywood Starlet Equivalent instead?

Hollywood Starlet Equivalent - Tyra Banks. Getting by on reputation alone until everybody realizes they're just nuts.