An online poll recently determined the new Seven Wonders of the World. The denizens of the Interweb picked a wall, a statue of Jesus, and several piles of rocks. Scott Colby is quite disappointed with these results, as he can see all these things if he peeks into his neighbor's yard.
Of course, Scott Colby must step forward and right this most heinous of wrongs. Here are his REAL Seven Wonders of the World:
- New York's Mother - Sister Patterson is three times holier than any Jesus statue and made of even harder stone. If she called for fire and brimstone to fall from the heavens, I'd dive under the nearest table, mostly because there's a pretty good chance her terrible bellow would bring the ceiling crashing down upon my head. Sister Patterson holds two distinctions not likely to be matched anytime soon: she's the only man on record as having given birth, and she's the only human being who can take a crowbar to the face without blinking. I suspect she's Chuck Norris's evil twin sister.
- The Woot-Off - A website that sells one product until that product is sold out? When will the current piece of crap go away? What's coming next? How many times is this damn website going to try to convince me I want a Leak Frog or $5000 projector? Hours of fun at work, school, and/or funerals.
- The Milky Way Lounge - 80's night, karaoke, $2 Brubakers, bowling, pool, and cracked out Jamaica Plain people. Hot damn.
- J-Rags in a suave hat - Check out Justin's new Facebook picture in the top right of this post. The entire city of Boston demands that he wear that fedora everywhere he goes, and that he tuck three Cuban cigars into his chest pocket as an added accent. The perfect look for ghost riding the whip or screaming at the migrant workers to pick oranges faster. Also, Al Gore would be extremely proud of Justin, as he's not drinking wine straight from the bottle just to be a trashy wine-o, but rather to save the water it would take to wash a glass.
- Scott Colby's alien blasting abilities - Seriously, those fuckers don't stand a chance. And when planet earth is finally invaded for real, one man will stand alone and send those bastard E.T.'s packing back to Uranus.
- The Worcester Palladium - Built from the bones of several million homeless culled from the streets of the The Woo, the Palladium is a true marvel of modern engineering. Paint based on slime collected from the city streets amplifies the acoustics of the main theater to generate perfect sound. Many fine community college graduates have been conceived in these hallowed halls.
- Yuppies - Recently confirmed to produce asexually, yuppies nonetheless travel in packs typically consisting of up to five slightly paunchy men in striped button down shirts and up to four conservatively dressed women who appear attractive after five drinks but are too annoying to actually converse with until you've had seven or eight. Yuppies are known to enjoy Volkswagons and GAP commercials and can often be found nesting under piles of IKEA furniture. By day, these creatures frequent Starbucks and snooty cafes. Their animalistic side comes out at night when they travel to overpriced tourist bars to dine on Bud Light, Cosmopolitans, and the occasional Kamikaze shot. Beware the popped collar, as it is a sure sign that a yuppie is about to spontaneously give birth, a process which releases a noxious gas known to drive typically sane individuals to shop in J. Crew and Pink. In their larval stage, yuppies often serve as hall monitors and student council representatives, while the more adventurous among them join the theater club. From what vile pit of hell did these creatures first spawn? Are they really as better than you as their disdainful stares imply? Will science ever find a means of translating their imperious language into something you and I can listen to without wanting to bash our skulls in with the nearest blunt object? Will Josh Moody and his ragtag band of freedom fighters ever free us from the secret society of Yuppie overlords that secretly controls the planet? There are some mysteries the human race just may not be intended to unravel.
