**Note: This was actually written last week, but Blogger wouldn't publish it so it sat in draft purgatory until I remembered to try it again.
Two idiots obviously going to watch the Red Sox get spanked got on the train yesterday. They looked around stupidly for a few minutes before zeroing in on the T map above the door.
"This is an E train," came the voice over the loudspeaker. "Change at Government Center to get to Kenmore for the ballgame."
Not five seconds later, one of the idiots asked the other, "Does this train go to Kenmore?"
"I don't think so," replied his friend. "I think we change at Copley."
It was at about that point in time that I leapt from my seat and beat the hell out of them with my trusty tire iron. Or at least, that's what happened in my head.
The two morons then proceeded to discuss going out on a boat with a pair of nurses this coming weekend. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing that could make me feel good about this situation is a good ocean squall and a lack of life preservers.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Hugo Chavez
I think I kind of like this guy, if only because he consistently makes our own politicians look like absolute assholes.
Take, for example, the fact that Venezuela was the first foreign country to offer aid to those who suffered through Hurrican Katrina. President Monkey Face essentially told him "We don't need your help," although something tells me that if this guy had shown up in New Orleans with a few boatloads of food and water, none of the people there would've objected. Just a feeling.
He's also providing low price heating oil to several Northeastern states and (reportedly) remote Alaskan towns. Meanwhile, President Monkey Face is giving his rich buddies tax cuts and going on vacation.
Since Chavez became president, Venezuela's GDP and literacy rates are up, inflation and infant mortality are down. Meanwhile, our National Debt is soaring, and the Republicans seem to prefer a society that can't read.
In a recent speech in front of the UN, Chavez quoted a book by noted linguist and political writer Noam Chomsky. The last piece of literature President Monkey Face quoted was the drive up menu at Wendy's.
In that same speech, Chavez called W "the devil" and mentioned that the podium still smelled like sulfur from Monkey Face's speech there the day before. He then made the sign of the cross to protect himself. Despite the rousing round of applause Chavez received at the conclusion of his speech, American politicians and news outlets, even those critical of W's policies, condemned his remarks as having gone too far. Personally, I don't think he went far enough. He should've had a priest sprinkle holy water on the podium, then delivered his speech while wearing a string of garlic around his neck and handling a thick collection of rosary beads.
Hugo's also got his own weekly television show. Can you imagine the comedy and drinking games that would ensue if President Monkey Face had his own show? "He said terror again...that's another shot!" The alcohol industry would be forever grateful, as would the black market liver unions.
Of course, this guy's not perfect. He's clamped down a bit oh the Venezuelan media, and he's been absolutely ruthless when it comes to defeating his opposition. It's also rumored that he may go against the constitution he helped create and seek a third term as president.
Unfortunately, this guy's going to get himself shot, which is a damn shame. The world needs more leaders who are more than just talking heads, who aren't afraid to tell it like it is and let it ride. He came into office saying he'd help the little people, and although some of his programs have failed, he's at least tried. Meanwhile, Washington's arguing about gay marriage, abortion, violence in video games, evolution, and a shit storm of things that no other government on the planet would spend this much time dealing with at the expense of those who genuinely could use a little help from those in power.
Now, before you call me a commy pinko liberal traitor, let's look at the facts. Venezuela is a better place than it was before Chavez took power. Can you honestly say that about the United States and George W? And looking ahead, do you really think we'll be able to say that about any of the politicians who could potentially become President in our next election? I thought not.
I apologize for the political interruption, and I promise that the next update will return to this blog's typical low brow humor.
Take, for example, the fact that Venezuela was the first foreign country to offer aid to those who suffered through Hurrican Katrina. President Monkey Face essentially told him "We don't need your help," although something tells me that if this guy had shown up in New Orleans with a few boatloads of food and water, none of the people there would've objected. Just a feeling.
He's also providing low price heating oil to several Northeastern states and (reportedly) remote Alaskan towns. Meanwhile, President Monkey Face is giving his rich buddies tax cuts and going on vacation.
Since Chavez became president, Venezuela's GDP and literacy rates are up, inflation and infant mortality are down. Meanwhile, our National Debt is soaring, and the Republicans seem to prefer a society that can't read.
In a recent speech in front of the UN, Chavez quoted a book by noted linguist and political writer Noam Chomsky. The last piece of literature President Monkey Face quoted was the drive up menu at Wendy's.
In that same speech, Chavez called W "the devil" and mentioned that the podium still smelled like sulfur from Monkey Face's speech there the day before. He then made the sign of the cross to protect himself. Despite the rousing round of applause Chavez received at the conclusion of his speech, American politicians and news outlets, even those critical of W's policies, condemned his remarks as having gone too far. Personally, I don't think he went far enough. He should've had a priest sprinkle holy water on the podium, then delivered his speech while wearing a string of garlic around his neck and handling a thick collection of rosary beads.
Hugo's also got his own weekly television show. Can you imagine the comedy and drinking games that would ensue if President Monkey Face had his own show? "He said terror again...that's another shot!" The alcohol industry would be forever grateful, as would the black market liver unions.
Of course, this guy's not perfect. He's clamped down a bit oh the Venezuelan media, and he's been absolutely ruthless when it comes to defeating his opposition. It's also rumored that he may go against the constitution he helped create and seek a third term as president.
Unfortunately, this guy's going to get himself shot, which is a damn shame. The world needs more leaders who are more than just talking heads, who aren't afraid to tell it like it is and let it ride. He came into office saying he'd help the little people, and although some of his programs have failed, he's at least tried. Meanwhile, Washington's arguing about gay marriage, abortion, violence in video games, evolution, and a shit storm of things that no other government on the planet would spend this much time dealing with at the expense of those who genuinely could use a little help from those in power.
Now, before you call me a commy pinko liberal traitor, let's look at the facts. Venezuela is a better place than it was before Chavez took power. Can you honestly say that about the United States and George W? And looking ahead, do you really think we'll be able to say that about any of the politicians who could potentially become President in our next election? I thought not.
I apologize for the political interruption, and I promise that the next update will return to this blog's typical low brow humor.
Monday, September 18, 2006
A Message to Fat Smelly Sweat Pants Man in Government Center
You do not have to wave the train into the station. It is not going to turn around and drive away without you, regardless of how much the conductor wants to or how hilarious the rest of us on the platform think that would be.
Also, you may want to restrict your intake of 7-11 taquitos. Your sweatpants are only three sizes too big. I reckon if you keep inhaling a bag of those fuckers a day, your sweatpants will be too small in a matter of six months. This is bad for you, because you'll have to buy a pair of XXXXXXXL, but it will also be horrible for the rest of the shoppers in Sears that day.
Also, you may want to restrict your intake of 7-11 taquitos. Your sweatpants are only three sizes too big. I reckon if you keep inhaling a bag of those fuckers a day, your sweatpants will be too small in a matter of six months. This is bad for you, because you'll have to buy a pair of XXXXXXXL, but it will also be horrible for the rest of the shoppers in Sears that day.
Friday, September 08, 2006
To all those complaining about the new Facebook functionality
For those out of the Facebook loop: the popular social networking site has recently implemented a sort of news feed functionality. When someone within your network makes a change to his or her profile, that change is posted on a news page displayed when you first log in. The developers saw this as a convenience. Previously, users would only get notifications about which of their friends had updated their profiles, with no information whatsoever about what part of the profile had actually been updated. This has caused a massive uproar about invasion of privacy. Every tech news site I've been to in the past few days has had something to say about it.
Now, onto the point I would like to make to all the people bitching and moaning about this functionality constituting an invasion of privacy:
Shut. The hell. Up.
Guess what? Facebook didn't put your personal information on its website. You did.
Trying to hide the fact that you TiVo Celebrity Fit Club? Don't want people to know about your unhealthy attachment to your toaster? Then don't put it on the fucking Interweb, dumbass!
We've seen this time and time again. School kids get called into the Principal's office for saying horrible things about teachers on their MySpace profiles. Idiots get fired for something they wrote in their blog, or can't even get an interview because every other sentence on their personal web site mentions the fact that they hate working. Thanksgivings across the country are made extremely awkward because Mom found a link in your AIM profile to your user page on IDreamOfRainbowBrightInABadWay.com. You'd think people would learn, but apparently that's not the case.
The Internet is more or less a gigantic billboard. It's not just a place for you to store information - it's also the mechanism for retrieving that information. And believe it or not, more people pay attention to it than you might think, as evidenced by the ten or so people who usually read this blog - and you thought you were the only one!
It's no different than being out in public. Every individual acts a certain way around other people, both to project that individual's desired image and to protect the parts of him/herself that he/she doesn't want others to know about. Any Internet persona is perpetually public, and thus anyone using the Internet needs to take that into account. You wouldn't plant a sign in front of your house saying "I grow pot in my basement!" now would you? So don't put it on the net.
And now, to light the mood a bit, a bulleted list:
Now, onto the point I would like to make to all the people bitching and moaning about this functionality constituting an invasion of privacy:
Shut. The hell. Up.
Guess what? Facebook didn't put your personal information on its website. You did.
Trying to hide the fact that you TiVo Celebrity Fit Club? Don't want people to know about your unhealthy attachment to your toaster? Then don't put it on the fucking Interweb, dumbass!
We've seen this time and time again. School kids get called into the Principal's office for saying horrible things about teachers on their MySpace profiles. Idiots get fired for something they wrote in their blog, or can't even get an interview because every other sentence on their personal web site mentions the fact that they hate working. Thanksgivings across the country are made extremely awkward because Mom found a link in your AIM profile to your user page on IDreamOfRainbowBrightInABadWay.com. You'd think people would learn, but apparently that's not the case.
The Internet is more or less a gigantic billboard. It's not just a place for you to store information - it's also the mechanism for retrieving that information. And believe it or not, more people pay attention to it than you might think, as evidenced by the ten or so people who usually read this blog - and you thought you were the only one!
It's no different than being out in public. Every individual acts a certain way around other people, both to project that individual's desired image and to protect the parts of him/herself that he/she doesn't want others to know about. Any Internet persona is perpetually public, and thus anyone using the Internet needs to take that into account. You wouldn't plant a sign in front of your house saying "I grow pot in my basement!" now would you? So don't put it on the net.
And now, to light the mood a bit, a bulleted list:
- Don't want people to know which way you swing? Don't put it on the Interweb.
- Don't want mom to see that picture of you shotgunning a PBR naked while riding a llama at a frat party? Don't put it on the Interweb.
- Don't want people to know you think Scott Colby is totally hot and you want to give him your yacht? Don't put it on the Interweb (no one would blame you at all for wanting to hide that little tidbit).
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Semi-coherent ramblings that took about three hours to write
I hear bulleted lists are good for a hang over, so here we go:
- If there exists a square mile slimier than Government Center on a Saturday night, I need to take a vacation there. If earth is devoid of such an Eden, I'll create my own - except with more sausage carts, all manned by good looking girls dressed as Medieval wenches. Being able to stand on the corner and yell "Sausage Wench, bring me a bratwurst!" in your most regal voice seems like the kind of thing the tourists would love.
- New York is coming to Flavor of Love tonight, so get your TiVo set. This has the potential to be the single greatest hour in the history of television...or at least the history of VH1. Official over/under on the number of girls who spit on her: 4. Odds are 3/1 that Like Dat will crush New York's head between her thighs, 5/1 that New York will bitch slap the fake ghetto out of Buckwild, and 9/1 that KFC will be prominently involved in either episode.
- As many of you know, Scott Colby has implemented a two month rule to streamline his relations with the opposite sex. Any girl that isn't in possession of a yacht can only date him for two months. Today I bring you the first modification to the Two Month Rule - which I suppose makes it the First Amendment. Any girl with a genuine Irish brogue gets an extra two weeks.
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