Oh no! Where did the daily updates go? The horror!
Scott Colby was busy. He couldn't stop staring at his awesome new toaster.
If this toaster was a band, it would be Def Leppard, and they'd be playing "Pour Some Sugar on Me."
If you saw it, you would understand. This toaster is on point.
If this toaster was on reality television, it definitely would not be Flava Flav.
It's sleek, it's black, and it's got three buttons. Three. One for regular, one for bagels (if you're a hippy), and one for frozen delicacies. How much did you pay for that one button toaster? $40? Someone got ripped off, and it wasn't Scott Colby.
If this toaster was a woman, it would be Kelly Clarkson. But not normal Kelly Clarkson. It would be Kelly Clarkson at the end of the VMA's, after she'd been drenched by the rain.
This toaster is all the good things in the world rolled into one. Scott Colby now carries a photograph of it in his wallet.
If you saw this toaster, you would understand.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Opening Ceremonies of the Foggy Gogglympics
You can't wait, can you? Scott Colby can smell your anticipation. Or maybe that's the green stuff growing between your toes. Whatever it is, it smells like comedy.
Prepare yourselves for a spectacle of titanic proportions. The Foggy Gogglympics begin with the Running of the Buffalo Women, an event so violent, so earth-shaking, that it's been banned in 37 states, 12 countries, and the International House of Pancakes. Only the bravest souls dare participate, and flattenings are quite common. Luckily, the route will be manned with the Goggle's crack team of coked out hipsters with giant spatulas prepared scrape up the casualties.
This could be the worst post ever.
On a happier note, Scott Colby would like to thank Kelly Clarkson for not being a buffalo woman. Some day she will be his baby's mama. His name will be Cadillac.
Prepare yourselves for a spectacle of titanic proportions. The Foggy Gogglympics begin with the Running of the Buffalo Women, an event so violent, so earth-shaking, that it's been banned in 37 states, 12 countries, and the International House of Pancakes. Only the bravest souls dare participate, and flattenings are quite common. Luckily, the route will be manned with the Goggle's crack team of coked out hipsters with giant spatulas prepared scrape up the casualties.
This could be the worst post ever.
On a happier note, Scott Colby would like to thank Kelly Clarkson for not being a buffalo woman. Some day she will be his baby's mama. His name will be Cadillac.
The wisest words ever spoken to Scott Colby
Forgive Scott Colby if something is misspelled in this one. There are a variety of factors at work right now.
So tonight was a friend's party, and since said party was not in Brookline, it required a cab ride home. After Justin "I'm the only person who's ever posted on I Stole Your Lunch except Josh Moody's sister under a fake name" Ragsdale got out of said cab, Scott Colby entered into a conversation with the driver of said cab.
Turns out the driver was a graduate of the electrical engineering program at WIT way back in the bell-bottom glory days of 1978. The discussion quickly turned to how Scott Colby had encountered very few WIT graduates who were actually doing what they had gone to school for, and how it was all about how one grabbed the opportunities presented, not how one had gone to school. The cabbie agreed.
Upon exiting the cab, the driver said, "Keep reaching for those opportunities. And don't get married."
Werd.
So tonight was a friend's party, and since said party was not in Brookline, it required a cab ride home. After Justin "I'm the only person who's ever posted on I Stole Your Lunch except Josh Moody's sister under a fake name" Ragsdale got out of said cab, Scott Colby entered into a conversation with the driver of said cab.
Turns out the driver was a graduate of the electrical engineering program at WIT way back in the bell-bottom glory days of 1978. The discussion quickly turned to how Scott Colby had encountered very few WIT graduates who were actually doing what they had gone to school for, and how it was all about how one grabbed the opportunities presented, not how one had gone to school. The cabbie agreed.
Upon exiting the cab, the driver said, "Keep reaching for those opportunities. And don't get married."
Werd.
Friday, September 09, 2005
Comments
Scott Colby is too tuckered out to entertain your asses tonight. He insists that you entertain him instead by leaving your stupid comments in his stupid blog. Leave him some love. Leave him some hate. And if your name is Kelly Clarkson, leave a phone number so Scott Colby can have his people get in touch with your people.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Announcing the first ever Foggy Gogglympics
Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, the sporting event of the century looms is about to shatter your expectations of what athletic competition is meant to be. From the fine minds that brought us White Trash Wednesday and the Foggy Fishbowl, I Stole Your Lunch presents to you the Foggy Gogglympics, a sporting competition that will put even the much vaunted Special Olympics to shame! The Gogglympics will feature competitors from over 36 countries that aren't allowed into the real olympics competing through 22 extreme events!
Although many details for the event remain to be worked out, the expert governing committee of 15 homeless people and one possum has worked out one initial detail, the mascot. Beulah is a 568 pound buffalo woman in hot pants and a tube top. Her mascara slathered come hither eyes beckon the casual spectator and the hardcore fan. She wears the five rings of the Olympics around her pinky finger because that is the only part of her body they can actually fit around. What a mascot!
Stay tuned for more information on events and athletes. After all, the Foggy Gogglympics are a great way for Scott Colby to fulfill his promise of one update a day without really trying!
Although many details for the event remain to be worked out, the expert governing committee of 15 homeless people and one possum has worked out one initial detail, the mascot. Beulah is a 568 pound buffalo woman in hot pants and a tube top. Her mascara slathered come hither eyes beckon the casual spectator and the hardcore fan. She wears the five rings of the Olympics around her pinky finger because that is the only part of her body they can actually fit around. What a mascot!
Stay tuned for more information on events and athletes. After all, the Foggy Gogglympics are a great way for Scott Colby to fulfill his promise of one update a day without really trying!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The D-Line is a death trap
That's right, you read it first right here at I Stole Your Lunch. Scott Colby has once again scooped all those "real" journalists, including Susan Warnick, Geraldo, that douche bag on Crossfire who always wears the stupid bowties, and even Amalia Badadadadadadada. The D-Line is inherently NOT safe. Responsible parents should not allow their children to ride this train of doom.
The trains on the D-Line have not been reinforced against the unstoppable force of nature, the buffalo woman.
Scott Colby experienced this phenomenon first hand today. A pair of buffalo women, whose incredible girth marked them as high ranking individuals within their species' cast system, sat down in the seats in front of Scott Colby. Those particular seats did not particularly enjoy their predicament, and with every successive station, their groans of protest became louder and more desperate, and they began to fail against the huge amount of mass they were attempting to support. By the time the buffalo women departed, the backs of their seats were almost in Scott Colby's lap. He did not approve.
This problem is a huge oversight on the part of the MBTA. The D-Line is considered by many experts to be the line that most resembles a twinkie. Many buffalo women have been seen boarding the train, only to look around angrily and moan "But where's the cream filling?" It is speculated that the green trains are mistaken for special edition St. Patrick's Day twinkies, the sweetest Twinkies on the planet. Combine that with the fact that the D-Line passes directly beneath the twisted bowels of the buffalo women's favorite mating ground, the Foggy Goggle, and you've got one heck of a recipe for disaster.
People in California know that an earthquake is inevitably going to hit, so their houses are reinforced accordingly. The denizens of the midwest build storm shelters in which they can hide from rampaging tornadoes. The MBTA knows the buffalo women are going to make the D-Line part of their daily migration, and yet they do nothing to protect the other passengers. This is ridiculous. Chuck Norris would not allow this shit to happen.
After faithfully listening to Scott Colby's heartfelt rant about this topic, Kelly Clarkson announced that she will be performing three shows at Ai Tains to promote awareness of the tragedy waiting to befall us. She's so wonderful...*sigh*...
Scott Colby told you these daily updates were going to suck, and it appears he was right.
The trains on the D-Line have not been reinforced against the unstoppable force of nature, the buffalo woman.
Scott Colby experienced this phenomenon first hand today. A pair of buffalo women, whose incredible girth marked them as high ranking individuals within their species' cast system, sat down in the seats in front of Scott Colby. Those particular seats did not particularly enjoy their predicament, and with every successive station, their groans of protest became louder and more desperate, and they began to fail against the huge amount of mass they were attempting to support. By the time the buffalo women departed, the backs of their seats were almost in Scott Colby's lap. He did not approve.
This problem is a huge oversight on the part of the MBTA. The D-Line is considered by many experts to be the line that most resembles a twinkie. Many buffalo women have been seen boarding the train, only to look around angrily and moan "But where's the cream filling?" It is speculated that the green trains are mistaken for special edition St. Patrick's Day twinkies, the sweetest Twinkies on the planet. Combine that with the fact that the D-Line passes directly beneath the twisted bowels of the buffalo women's favorite mating ground, the Foggy Goggle, and you've got one heck of a recipe for disaster.
People in California know that an earthquake is inevitably going to hit, so their houses are reinforced accordingly. The denizens of the midwest build storm shelters in which they can hide from rampaging tornadoes. The MBTA knows the buffalo women are going to make the D-Line part of their daily migration, and yet they do nothing to protect the other passengers. This is ridiculous. Chuck Norris would not allow this shit to happen.
After faithfully listening to Scott Colby's heartfelt rant about this topic, Kelly Clarkson announced that she will be performing three shows at Ai Tains to promote awareness of the tragedy waiting to befall us. She's so wonderful...*sigh*...
Scott Colby told you these daily updates were going to suck, and it appears he was right.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Public transportation is a-ok
This is a space in which Scott Colby could give you another completely bullshit list like he did yesterday, but today is going to be different. Today's post is based on reality.
On this fine September day, Scott Colby took the D-Line home from work. He was joined by two peculiar individuals. One was the woman who sat down next to him and enjoyed tearing up the Christian Science Monitor. The other was a total lush brown bagging it down the Green Line.
We'll start with the lush, since he was obviously the main attraction. If he thought for one moment that his flimsy paper bag disguised his bottle of booze as possibly being something wholesome, like Vitamin Water or Flintstones Vitamins, he was poorly mistaken. The man smelled like a still. He attempted to make conversation with everyone on the train, and failed miserably each and every time.
Meanwhile, the woman next to Scott Colby angrily browsed the pages of the Christian Science Monitor. She didn't stop to read any articles. When she was done with an edition, she would tear it into thirty-seconds (in half three times), store the shreds in her back pack, and retrieve another edition from her back pack. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Upon reaching the Hynes Convention Center Stop, the lush gleefully shouted to the entire train that he'd spotted a hooker in the station, and that he had $5o in his pocket, and then he departed the train in search of sweet lovin'. Scott Colby was tempted to ask him what a hooker would be doing in the Hynes stop at 6 pm, but then he realized the lush would probably say she was going to work, so Scott Colby kept his dumb trap shut.
Scott Colby and the shredding woman both disembarked at the Brookline Village stop. She has not been seen since.
Proof that public transportation is stranger than fiction.
On this fine September day, Scott Colby took the D-Line home from work. He was joined by two peculiar individuals. One was the woman who sat down next to him and enjoyed tearing up the Christian Science Monitor. The other was a total lush brown bagging it down the Green Line.
We'll start with the lush, since he was obviously the main attraction. If he thought for one moment that his flimsy paper bag disguised his bottle of booze as possibly being something wholesome, like Vitamin Water or Flintstones Vitamins, he was poorly mistaken. The man smelled like a still. He attempted to make conversation with everyone on the train, and failed miserably each and every time.
Meanwhile, the woman next to Scott Colby angrily browsed the pages of the Christian Science Monitor. She didn't stop to read any articles. When she was done with an edition, she would tear it into thirty-seconds (in half three times), store the shreds in her back pack, and retrieve another edition from her back pack. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Upon reaching the Hynes Convention Center Stop, the lush gleefully shouted to the entire train that he'd spotted a hooker in the station, and that he had $5o in his pocket, and then he departed the train in search of sweet lovin'. Scott Colby was tempted to ask him what a hooker would be doing in the Hynes stop at 6 pm, but then he realized the lush would probably say she was going to work, so Scott Colby kept his dumb trap shut.
Scott Colby and the shredding woman both disembarked at the Brookline Village stop. She has not been seen since.
Proof that public transportation is stranger than fiction.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Gold digging is in the air
Everybody knows Kelly Clarkson is destined to one day be Scott Colby's betrothed. Here are the top 10 reasons why.
10. She likes a guy who knows how to solder who also knows how to spell solder, a rare find indeed.
9. She understands and recognizes that Hulkamania will never die.
8. I Stole Your Lunch says so, and I Stole Your Lunch Never lies.
7. She can leap a buffalo chick in a single bound.
6. She is really a secret government agent using Scott Colby to get closer to his friend, wanted criminal Mr. Petersen, aka Josh Moody.
5. Since you've been gone, she can breathe for the first time.
4. She is attracted to employees of non-profit institutions.
3. Making this crap up is tough. Maybe it should've only been the top seven reasons.
2. Jennifer Garner married that doofus Ben Affleck and is having his child and even though Scott Colby is 97.62% sure he can convince her to divorce Ben Affleck and marry him instead, that would make him at least partially responsible for raising the spawn of Ben Affleck, a horrible role Scott Colby would not wish on anyone, not even the proprietor of the Foggy Goggle.
1. Those moon men she won the other night will look damn good in the captain's cabin of the yacht Scott Colby is going to buy with her money.
That being said, Scott Colby demands that Kelly Clarkson immediately returns to brunette status, lest he be forced to ditch her and have Gwen Stefani pay for his lavish lifestyle instead. That shit would just be bananas.
10. She likes a guy who knows how to solder who also knows how to spell solder, a rare find indeed.
9. She understands and recognizes that Hulkamania will never die.
8. I Stole Your Lunch says so, and I Stole Your Lunch Never lies.
7. She can leap a buffalo chick in a single bound.
6. She is really a secret government agent using Scott Colby to get closer to his friend, wanted criminal Mr. Petersen, aka Josh Moody.
5. Since you've been gone, she can breathe for the first time.
4. She is attracted to employees of non-profit institutions.
3. Making this crap up is tough. Maybe it should've only been the top seven reasons.
2. Jennifer Garner married that doofus Ben Affleck and is having his child and even though Scott Colby is 97.62% sure he can convince her to divorce Ben Affleck and marry him instead, that would make him at least partially responsible for raising the spawn of Ben Affleck, a horrible role Scott Colby would not wish on anyone, not even the proprietor of the Foggy Goggle.
1. Those moon men she won the other night will look damn good in the captain's cabin of the yacht Scott Colby is going to buy with her money.
That being said, Scott Colby demands that Kelly Clarkson immediately returns to brunette status, lest he be forced to ditch her and have Gwen Stefani pay for his lavish lifestyle instead. That shit would just be bananas.
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Important Announcement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's right, I didn't forget about all you noble readers who've spent the past month continuously clicking the refresh button just in case Scott Colby decided to get off his lazy ass and update his stupid blog. It's been almost a month since his last update, a long, lonely, heart wrenching month painfully devoid of Scott Colby's sweet prose. How empty your lives must've been!
But just like every crappy "superstar" on VH1 whom you thought you'd seen the last of twelve years ago, Scott Colby's back. And to you, his adoring public, he makes a solemn vow, one he will never break unless he doesn't particularly feel like doing it anymore or if he falls into a large sum of money and rides the pope mobile off into the sunset.
Every day, there will be new content on I Stole Your Lunch!
Unfortunately, Scott Colby cannot guarantee the quality of such content, because he is prone to writer's block and fits of fiery indifference. The only thing he can promise is that there will always be something in this space that wasn't there yesterday.
Consider yourself scolbified.
But just like every crappy "superstar" on VH1 whom you thought you'd seen the last of twelve years ago, Scott Colby's back. And to you, his adoring public, he makes a solemn vow, one he will never break unless he doesn't particularly feel like doing it anymore or if he falls into a large sum of money and rides the pope mobile off into the sunset.
Every day, there will be new content on I Stole Your Lunch!
Unfortunately, Scott Colby cannot guarantee the quality of such content, because he is prone to writer's block and fits of fiery indifference. The only thing he can promise is that there will always be something in this space that wasn't there yesterday.
Consider yourself scolbified.
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