The First Annual I Stole Your Lunch Science Fair

Hell, if a bunch of Creationists are qualified to run a Science Fair, so am I.

Suggested topics:

- Locate the man responsible for the term "enhanced interrogation techniques" and determine how many sessions with the waterboard it will take for him to reclassify this method as torture.

- Prove the indestructibility of Hottie's weave. Would this make a good replacement for the thermal tiles that fall off the space shuttle?

- Collect the slime growing on the floor of the Foggy Goggle and apply it to the inside of the Statue of Liberty. Prove the slime's paranormal powers by using an NES Advantage controller to manipulate Lady Liberty into rescuing the baby from Vigo. Secondary objectives: track down Rick Moranis's missing career and find out how Dan Aykroyd got so damn fat.

- Using a line graph, plot the amount of time it takes for a Taco Bell fueled fart to travel from one end of a Green Line Trolley to the other using the facial expressions of the other passengers as your only measurement device.

- Determine the number of times you have to say "dirty bomb" into the telephone before the NSA wire taps send the black helicopters to come get you. Note: this is best done from the home phone of someone you would like to see disappear - and I don't mean David Copperfield.

- Construct a replica of Noah's Ark to show how Noah's nautical standards are not quite up to par with Scott Colby's. Suggest good locations for a helipad, a hot tub, and a taxidermy station.

- Use a Venn Diagram to illustrate the Loch Ness Monster's insistence on receiving hand outs of exactly "tree-fitty."

- Fake a paternity test. Note: bonus points for tricking a celebrity.

- Apply a thick layer of Bruce Campbell's sweat to the biggest loser you know. Does said loser suddenly become the coolest kid on the block or does he just begin to smell really bad?

- Perform plastic surgery on a family member with a garden trowel and a bucket of spackle. Could such a procedure help New York's mama look less like a man?

- Determine the best beer for use in a game of pong based on factors such as taste, rate of inebriation, and cup stability.

- Examine the effects of a Woot Off on average office productivity.

Science Fair!

I was entirely way too amused by the project suggestions in this article:

http://www.tccsa.tc/fair/fair_ideas.html

Note that these are for a "Creation Science" Fair. As such, "Why did God do it this way?" is a popular back end of all the two part questions - to which I would consistently answer "because he fucking felt like it."

A few of these topics merit further examination.

3. Make a computer model of the Flood currents.

This is the one I would take because it's the easiest. Steal a map of the world from Google, pop it into Photoshop, hit the "Waves" filter, and spend the rest of the afternoon playing XBox while all the good little kids are writing five page essays attempting to explain why God "did it this way."

4. Statistical occurrence of giants, and midgets and dwarfs and giantism. Use Princess Flo, Goliath, and brothers.

A perfect topic for wrestling fans.

8. How much voltage or current can a human take before he is killed? Could do experiments on a plant.

This one sounds like fun, though I'm not sure why students would need a plant when they most likely have a younger sibling or a pet of some sort.

10. What was life like before the Flood?

Dry.

22. Could a person function without thumbs? or What would it be like to not have thumbs?

Another good one for a younger sibling.

30. Why does the ocean appear blue but when it is in a bucket it is clear?

Buckets are the devil. If you play Ozzy Osbourne's "Mama I'm Comin' Home" backward, Ozzy will tell you as much.

40. Does sea currents affect climate?

Yes, it do.

46. Where are teeth stored?

In your ass. Good luck brushing.

48. Is there a way for humans to get to Jupiter? Mars? etc.

Only with a really large trampoline.

55. Why do only mammals have hair?

Because a shaggy fish would look pretty damn stupid.

58. Why did God create the moon to control the tides?

Because a great big switch lacks style.

72. What is God made of?

If we're lucky, Guinness. Although if the universe has any sense of irony, God is made of the exact same stuff as Richard Simmons.

83. Why do people believe in Evolution?

School! You off galivantin' with yo fancy foozball friends at school! School is the devil!

84. What events caused them to become evolutionists?

A lack of good quality wine at Sunday service.

101.If there were aliens, why would they visit humans?

They're just looking for someone with which to watch Charm School.

102.Why do we have pimples? Did God goof?

No. Rampant acne is God's way of putting a giant "LOSER" sign on someone so that LARPers and anime nerds can't blend in with the rest of us.

Two weeks in one

Yeah, I missed one. Sue me. I've been planning something spectacular, and it's proven more difficult than I thought. I believe I've finally discovered the right mixture of flat Diet Coke, Jack Daniels, meat lover's pizza, and horrible baseball announcers to bring this idea to life.

So tonight, as I watch the Tigers and the Twins in eager anticipation of Charm School, I'm going to play matchmaker. You can send Pumkin and Mr. Boston a thank you card.

• First off, ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers Joe Morgan and Fat Old White Guy could make thermonuclear war about as interesting as watching paint dry. Or, if you prefer, they could make Hottie's weave sound as breathtaking as Krazy's singing career. Don Orsillo sounds downright boisterous in comparison.
• But either one of them would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• Our first couple of the evening: Goldie and Tango. He wanted Tiffany, but he got New York? If Tiffany's New York, then Goldie's Delaware. She's boring, and she'll like his mother, and she'll do a great job organizing his closet so he'll always be able to find the matching cap that came with his suit.
• The Sox need to trade Wily Mo Pena to the Twins for starting pitcher Boof Bonser. Not because he's good, as he appears to be a Rich Garces waiting to happen, but because the cheesy NESN commercial featuring Hazel Mae saying "Boooooooooooooooooof!" will amuse me for days.
• Boof reminds me of a young David Wells: big dude, sick curveball, bitch ass attitude on the mound, baggy unifrom that his children could use as a pup tent. Someone get this kid a handle of Beam so he'll pitch a no-hitter.
  
• Actually, scratch that - he could very well be pregnant, and we all know that a bun in the oven plus too much booze equals what happened to Schatar.
  
• Couple number two: Smiley and Romance. They both need someone sensitive, and "their song" can be "Cry Me a River." Or any of the fifty-some-odd pop songs titled "Cryin'." The tissue industry will thank them forever.
  
• Why is Andre Agassi hosting "National Bingo Night?"
  
• Krazy and 12-Pack. Now playing on Cinemax at 2 am every Thursday night.
  
• Seriously, these jackasses in the ESPN booth make Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler look like the original Monday Night Football crew. The hack that just gave up 6 runs in three innings is only the third player in MLB history with the initials "V. V."? Really? Glad you were here to explain that to me, because I probably would've just put those two V's together and thought he was a W.
• Someone get me a fake paternity test so I can tell people my real father is Bruce Campbell. Seriously. If I could pick a famous father, the list would go like this: Bruce Campbell, Bill Murray, Vince McMahon. Honorable mentions: Pedro Martinez, Chance.
  
• Think it's tough finding something for your mama on Mother's Day? Something tells me New York spent at least two and a half hours crying in the bathroom this afternoon.
  
• Mama Boucher: Did they ever catch that go-rilla what escaped from the zoo and punched you in the eye?
  Bobby Boucher: N-n-no, mama, the suspect is still at large. Sister Patterson is still on the TV.
• Bootz, Buckeey, Chance, and Real. They can trade every week.
• Let's take a second to examine the show's title: "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. Starring Mo'Nique." Excuse me? I know thirteen girls who should be moderately pissed that Fat Tyra gets top billing. Find me one person that started watching this show just because they were such a huge Mo'Nique fan, and I'll expand this blog to include in depth analysis of Celebrity Kind-of-out-of-shape Club.
• Oh boy, business! And custom perfumes! Here we go:
• Becky's scent - the backseat of the '76 Camaro that's been on cinder blocks in front of her trailer for the past fifteen years.
  
• Pumkin's scent - the sheets at the Worcester Holiday Inn.
• Darra's scent - waffles.
• Saaphyri's scent - gorilla.
• Schatar's scent - complete bullshit with a side of nylon.
• And those who aren't with us anymore aren't immune!
• Toastee's scent - the floor of the Foggy Goggle.
• Krazy's scent - crystal meth and Ashlee Simpson albums.
• You know what? From now on, Saaphyri's immune unless she does something completely ridiculous. She's the only one with a decent head on her shoulders, and she would've won Flavor of Love Season 2 if she hadn't made a complete mess of herself in the first minute and a half. I really hope she and Flav are friends on MySpace.
• How much did Buckwild's boob job cost? Worth every penny, although she should've spent the money on her teeth.
  
• As long as these things don't smell like Mo'Nique, they should be alright.
• T-Weed and Shatar. Because they both suck at faking sophistication. I could see them going to Match with Nick.
  
• Buckwild and whatever member of Marc Hebert's Traveling Circus will have her and her one black and white striped tank top.
  
• So...this judge that isn't Mo'Nique or Keith...where the hell did the producers manage to find Omarosa's castrated sister?
• I think Larissa's jaw is stuck. She's literally had a "wtf" gape going for the past seven minutes.
• No way that's the first guy that's asked Pumkin to spit on him. And if I was that dude, I'd feel ripped off. The loogie that hit New York in the neck was five times that size.
• So when these people call Mo'Nique by her first syllable, are they saying Mo or Mo' ? This matters.
  
• "Everything I learned, I learned in a strip club." Quote of the night.
• Leilene and White Boy. He seems like he also learned a lot in strip joints.
• None of these people could figure out how to unplug a phone. One of them would pull a wire, and the toilet would stop working.
• Mr. Boston, start picking cans. You got to buy your woman some ass implants.
• I get the impression I'd like Shay a lot more if she wasn't always hanging on Larissa. Larissa's like the refried beans I didn't ask for that ruined an otherwise wondrous burrito.
• ...and the structural engineers take a deep breath as Fat Tyra crosses the floor...
• ...and we have evidence that the producers are just keeping around the most combustible elements.
  
• WAIT, OTHER PEOPLE FIT ON THE SAME TOUR BUS AS MO'NIQUE? GOD DAMN, THAT'S A QUADRUPLE WIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!