Beyond Juicy

We've all seen those tiny shorts that say things on the butt section. Girls who shouldn't be wearing something that small and tight really love them, and colleges around the nation have turned the fashion into a legitimate form of advertising.

But you know what? They're kind of boring. I don't need a pair of shorts to tell me you go to Northeastern - I can tell just by looking at you that you're a dumb frat girl. Nor do I need a pair of shorts to tell me you go to Wentworth - that big name construction company didn't hire you because of your construction management skills, they hired you to replace one of their bulldozers. And juicy? Sounds a bit like leakage, which would be a personal problem.

To rectify this fashion faux pas, I Stole Your Lunch is releasing its own line of booty shorts, featuring such clever and interesting lines as:

• Poopdeck.
• If there's more than an eighth of an inch of space between these letters, I'm too fat to be wearing these.
• Future Student of New England Tractor Trailer Training School.
• No Prenup Required.
• My daddy has a yacht - and his will says it's mine.
• 5-time Jeopardy Champion.
• All my lists are bulleted.
• I'm a High Life kind of girl.
• State Beer Pong Champion.
• Down the basement..LOCK...THE...CELLAR..DOOR...and baaaaby...talk dirty to me.
• Proud employee of Wal-Mart incorporated.
• $50 an hour, cash only.
  
• If there's grass on the field...
• Let's drink on my porch.

Coming soon to fine retailers near you, like TJ Maxx and Big K-Mart.

First Post From the Porch - Kelly vs. Natasha

Maybe it's the cool June breeze. Maybe it's the scent of freshly cut grass wafting from the neighbor's yard. Maybe it's the something in the crud growing on the decking. Whatever it is, I feel the need to finally put to rest the Clarkson/Bedingfield feud, thus choosing one and only one pop star to begin a monogamous relationship with. It shall be one for the ages, a classic duel fought with timeless weapons - bulleted lists.

Kelly Clarkson - Pros

• Spunky.
• Looks really, really ridiculously awesome when wet (see last year's VMA's).
• Very first American Idol, and none of her successors are worthy of scraping gum off the bottom of her shoes.
• Mischievous glint in eyes betrays inner wild child and possible desire to be spanked.
  
• Has released two best-selling albums, thus avoiding one-hit-wonder status.

Kelly Clarkson - Cons

• Could possibly weigh 300 pounds by the time she's 35.
• Just listen to "Since You've Been Gone" and "Walk Away"...obviously damaged goods.
• If I ever have to dump her in accordance with the Two Month Rule, she would probably break into my apartment and delete all the saved games on my XBox (see music video for "Since You've Been Gone").
• Keeping her in pristine condition (soaked) could prove expensive and laborious.
• America voted for her to win American Idol - and America is stupid (see George Bush).
  

Natasha Bedingfield - Pros

• Army of walking stereos for protection.
• Firmly attached to a single hair color.
• Has seen success both in the US and in her native Britain.
• Completely content to ride in elevators all day (which means she's a cheap date).
• Glamorous smile betrays her inner diva.

Natasha Bedingfield - Cons

• Last name sounds a lot like Brookfield.
• Babysitters to watch walking stereos could be costly.
• British. Hence, there's no way in hell those are her real teeth.
  
• Has so far produced only one best-selling album, potentially making her the next Natalie Imbruglia.
• Greets everyone who enters elevator with slightly creepy stare.

So what has this in depth analysis meant to me? It seems there is only one possible conclusion I or anyone else can come to: it's time to dump these two losers and aim for Nelly Furtado.

Bad Things to Advertise on MySpace

Don't tell me you didn't see this one coming.

• Nursing homes.
• Real estate.
• Books that don't have pictures.
• Courses at a university that isn't a community college or a tractor trailer training school.
• Career planning services.
• A date with your daughter.
• Country music CDs.
• Port-a-potty rentals.
• Athletic equipment.
• A t-shirt that reads "I hate My Chemical Romance."
• Caviar.
  

Good Things to Advertise on MySpace

Ah, MySpace...Internet playground for the unwashed masses who aren't cool enough to get their own blogs. You'll not find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

If MySpace was a sport, it would be NASCAR.

If MySpace was a danish, it would be full of raisins.

If MySpace was a celebrity, it would be Kevin Federline.

Therefore, MySpace is not the Best Toaster Ever.

Which means it's ripe for the corporate picking. Who's got something to sell?

Whoa, hold on there, bucko. There are certain things that just don't sell to certain markets, and thus aren't worth advertising to such markets. You wouldn't put a billboard for cufflinks in a trailer park, would you?

Luckily, I am a marketing genius, and I've compiled a list of things that should sell real well on MySpace:

• Dark clothing.
• e-Mullet styling gel.
• Razorblades (remember, kids, you want to go down the road, not across the street).
• Those markers you can get high off of.
• Fake IDs.
• The Idiot's Guide to Writing Horrible Poetry.
• The names, addresses, and phone numbers of all the sixteen year old girls in your neighborhood.
• Home tattooing kits.
• Scott Colby's Official Guide to Keeping a Blog Updated