This is Not a Test of the Emergency Broadcast System

On Wednesday, November 9, at 2 pm, FEMA conducted its first test of the nation-wide Emergency Alert System (EAS).  There were a few bugs, but the thing mostly worked.  Including the Lady Gaga music it briefly played to a few lucky Americans.

"What?" you're surely gasping, mouth agape.  "Every reputable site on the Internet says that was a mistake!  Surely the government didn't intentionally serenade its citizens with Lady Gaga!"

That's where you're wrong.  As we all know, there are a number of things They don't want us to know about.  They don't care that we know there are things They don't want us to know about because they think it's funny.  But there are indeed a lot of things They don't want us to know about.  I'm about to give away one of Their biggest secrets, and They're collectively going to shit a brick.

You see, EAS is SUPPOSED to play music when it's fired up.  The song it plays is a special code used to alert the other Thems as to the true nature of the emergency, the cause They don't want us to know about. It gives Them a leg up on saving themselves while the rest of us are left to die.

For instance:

• Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi," as heard yesterday, tells Them that it's only a test and they should go back to playing CEO while flossing with fresh spider silk seated atop their golden toilets.
• A zombie apocalypse, of course, is heralded by "Thriller."
• "Secret Agent Man" alerts Them to be on the lookout for a Them-created supersoldier who's gone "off the reservation" and begun picking "Them" off one-by-one.
• Nelly's "Hot in Herre" is the signal to head for the spaceship life boats because OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!
• "Supermassive Blackhole" by Muse tells Them to don their gas masks so that they might survive the massive cloud of flatulence headed their way.
• The onset of a pandemic is signaled using "I Will Survive" by the Gloria Gaynor.  Cake's cover tells us it's a food-born illness.
• "Since You've Been Gone" means California just sank but Kelly Clarkson's ok with that because she's moving on.
• "I Think I'm Turning Japanese" by the vapors signals the approach of Godzilla or similar atomic monstrosities including but not limited to Mothra, Rodan, or Janice Dickinson.

In extreme cases, EAS utilizes mashups of the above.  Suppose you hear "Thriller" mixed with "Hot in Herre" and "Supermassive Blackhole."  Now you're dealing with a zombie flatulence aggravated by OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.  Use it wisely.  You know They will.

Colby for Red Sox Manager

If this year's World Series taught us anything, it's that you don't need a competent manager to succeed in Major League Baseball.  It doesn't matter how badly you mismanage the bullpen, how often you intentionally walk slap-hitting utility infielders, or how many illogical bunts you instruct your guys to drop.  You don't need to be paying attention and you certainly don't need to know how to work the bullpen phone.  All you really need are three steady starters, a decent closer, a training staff steadily pumping your guys full of whatever borderline illegal wonder drug will keep them on the field, and a metric shit ton of luck.  And by luck, I mean you really just need to be facing a team with an even dumber manager than yours.

This is why I'm hereby entering my name for consideration for Boston's vacant manager position.  I figure I'm no more or less qualified than any of the other candidates.  My qualifications:

• I've lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to two consecutive National League Central Championships.  Video game managing is no different than managing in the minors, except in the minors when you charge the mound you don't collide with the television and hurt yourself.  That makes me at least as qualified as Ryne Sandberg.
• My Modesto Nuts finished with the best record in an extremely intense fantasy baseball league.  I won $20, which I put toward deodorant.  I will smell better than Dale Sveum and my name is a LOT easier to figure out how to say.
• Under my leadership, players drinking beer in the dugout shall be a thing of the past.  That's because I'm a big lush and I will steal and drink all of their beer.  I bet Pete Mackanin doesn't have the balls to lead by example like that.
• I shall hire Jose Canseco as my hitting coach.  I don't think it's any secret why Nick Punto, who swings a bat like your mother, set a career high in slugging this season under Mark McGwire's...er...tutelage.  That's the kind of bold, out-of-the-box thinking that would never occur to DeMarlo Hale.
• I all ready have my own hat.  You'll have to buy one for Mike Maddux.

There's more, but I am firmly opposed to resumes that take up more than one page.  Just call me, Cherington.  You won't regret it.  And if you don't, you should probably just save some money by putting John Lackey in charge.  He might as well do something to earn that eleventy bajillion dollars he's going to make not pitching next year.