Impeachment, etc

Two thoughts before my main body of work:

1. It's been two weeks since Vince McMahon's limo exploded. Not to disrespect Sensational Sherry and definitely not to disrespect Chris Benoit, who's always been one of my favorites and was by all accounts a genuinely good person, but isn't it ironic that two WWE personalities have been found dead since Vince's fake death? Vince, if you have a heart, please come out of hiding and tell us it was all a joke before karma takes away Doink the Clown and the Miz.

2. The red line is an amazing vehicle. On my way home today I wound up sitting next to a tourist who spoke exactly like Arnold Schwarzennegger, and his accent amused me for the entire ride. The crowning moment came when he uttered the phrase "I really fancied that corn muffin, but I had to catch the train" and then proceeded to do his best imitation of a five-year-old girl running after the ice cream truck. Seriously, say "I really fancied that corn muffin" in your best impersonation of the governator and tell me it doesn't make you laugh.

On to the main event! Our title for the evening:

Proof that the Democratic Party Has No Balls

Now that the Democrats control the legislature, they've got a chance to do something about W's transgressions by impeaching him. They've got many reasons to act, including:

• Wiretapping American citizens without a warrant.
• Abusing the Patriot Act by using the office of Homeland Security to track down a group of Democratic state legislators in the midst of a mobile filibuster and intimidating them to approve the rezoning law they were seeking to stop which wound up giving several seats to the Republican party.
• Most of the people George hires end up resigning amidst controversy and/or legal action. If he had any other job, he'd probably be shitcanned just for this.
  
• Negligence in preventing the 9/11 tragedy when both the CIA and the FBI attempted to warn him, and gross negligence in accepting a forged document as indisputable proof that Saddam possessed weapons of mass destruction aimed at your children.

And yet, no impeachment vote, despite the fact that the state legislatures of Massachusetts, Vermont, and California have passed referendums calling for one.

To put things into perspective, let's examine our country's previous impeachment of a president.

While the Republican party was in power, they impeached Bill Clinton for the following transgressions:

• He lied to a grand jury under oath so that his crazy wife wouldn't find out he was diddling an intern and chew his testicles off.

I may have to vote for Bloomberg.

Gwen Stefani is pregant!?!?!?!?! Holy cracked out baby names!!!!!!!!

Few bits of news as old as Ms. Stefani's baby bulge deserve so much punctuation.

I for one will be waiting with baited breath to learn what gem of a moniker that poor kid's going to get stuck with. If she takes the common sense route and names it after her deceased brother, I just might cry.

A few possibilities:

- Lemon Crumpet.
- Fergie (it is a little known fact that Fergie is in fact Gwen Stefani's daughter come back from the future in an attempt to save her mother from death on the London Bridge).
- Boris Andrew Nathan Alexander Newton Aaron (with his last name involved, B.A.N.A.N.A.S.)
- Joshua Moody (in honor of the only man who ever comments on this blog).
- Hoggle.
- Comet.
- !.
- Saaphyri.

Vince is my hero

Say what you will about Vince McMahon and his product - but before you do that, name one Chairman of another company who takes as active a role in manufacturing his product as Vince. The man deserves his due.

That said, this week's episode of Monday Night Raw was Vince McMahon Appreciation Night. During the course of this night, superstars past and present gave their thoughts on the boss - and, of course, nobody had anything nice to say.

Fast forward to the end of the program. An obviously disturbed Vince walked past the entire WWE roster without saying so much as a single word to anyone, even the individuals who'd most slandered his name. He climbed into his limousine and closed the door...and the entire thing exploded.

And three million viewers simultaneously said "What the fuck?"

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I read a bit of wrestling analysis on the good old Interweb. Most of this analysis is just random garbage by a bunch of hacks who don't understand proper punctuation and can't stick to one tense. If they're qualified to write about wrestling, so am I.

And I'm going to start by telling each and every one of them that they're wrong about their analysis of Vince's "death."

Every column I've read is examining this storyline as a "murder," but that's incorrect. It was a "suicide."

Look at the timing of the event. The explosion occured at the end of Vince McMahon Appreciation Night, after everyone and their brother had gotten through ripping Vince a new one when they were supposed to be reminiscing about his good qualities.

The point of this, of course, is that Vince is an evil, manipulative bastard. It would fit his character completely to have him fake his own suicide in an attempt to make the entire WWE roster feel like absolute shit about the way they just treated him.

And then he'll show up to laugh in everyone's face, and it will amuse me greatly. Dastardly Vince is good TV.