Chaaaaaaaaaaahm School

A quick note: after watching last week's episode again, I've realized that Nick has missed his calling. If he was to become an etiquette coach, he could continue to criticize people based on nothing other than his own made up standards, except then he'd get paid for it!

• I just realized how much I missed that weave since the last time I saw it.
• I'm beginning to suspect that Buckwild only brought that one black and white striped shirt.
• Remind me never to hire Mo'Nique's stylist.
• "I don't dress like a slut, I dress like a slot machine." We've got the quote of the night in the first four minutes.
• Yes, Buckwild, skulls are trendy...with fifteen-year-olds who spend too much time in Hot Topic.
• Actually, Goldie, they do sell couture in Wal-Mart - in the section with all the John Deere hats.
• That crazy weatherman on the New Hampshire channel would've been a better host than Princess Fiona - I mean Mo'Nique.
• I vote no on extreme close ups of Hottie.
• Charm School Girl Myspace page of the week: Pumkin. 75% like Scarlet Johansen my ass. Although I generally dislike stuffed animals, I'm thankful for that teddy bear.
  
• I get it - impress the fat woman by implying large is beautiful. And they think Hottie's sneaky.
• Holy shit, those are the largest nipple blurs I've ever seen, and somewhere MacGyver is crying over the fate of that tape.
• Colin Mochrie would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• Wait...the outfit inspired by an entire continent isn't the one on the huge girl?
• Ever wonder how different the world would be if Saaphyri hadn't been kicked off Flavor of Love in the first five minutes? Rather than Charm School, we'd be watching the Flav / Saaphyri wedding special. She's got a huge rack, weird hair, a strange way of speaking, and she might be a man - in short, she's Brigitte Nielsen's long lost sister. After this show, I bet she runs off with an effeminate Frenchman.
  
• I want to be a general in the next revolution in styling.
• God damn it, why is my connection timing out when I try to sign up for the next I Love New York? I can't wait to be "Mr. Worcester" or "Lumba Jack."

What makes gas station coffee so damn good?

Several possibilities come to mind.

• The dedication and talents of the smarmy-looking man behind the counter responsible for brewing a gas station's coffee. His name is Leandro, and he learned his trade from a reclusive wise man atop a llama infested mountain. When he's not percolating a perfect canister of java, he's rocking a pair of aviators in his bright white 1974 T-Bird while cruising for chicks. Although it's entirely possible that I'm making all of that up, one thing's for sure: he's got a totally rocking 'stache.
• Pumping a beverage gives it a certain delicate bouquet usually ruined by a more traditional pour.
• That's not french vanilla flavoring - that's the taste of melted paint chips peeled from the mossy side of Leandro's garden shed.
• The coffee filters are made of the same space age material as Hottie's weave.
• Substitute sugar substitute (no-name brand in a pink wrapper to look like Sweet'n Low or a blue wrapper to look like Equal) is really equal parts crystal meth, crack cocaine, and the dried tears of virgins sacrificed to the volcano.
  

A new season of VH1 Celebreality

It's Scott Colby's favorite time of year! You knew this was going to get him blogging again, didn't you?

• When did "Celebrity Fit Club" become "Celebrity Kind of Chubby Club?" This year's cast could stand to lose a few pounds...but put all of them together, and they weigh half as much as the Biz or Steven Tyler's not famous other daughter's left leg.
• I turned on "Flavor of Love: Charm School," and there was Mo'Nique. I turned the channel because I thought I'd accidentally tuned in to "Celebrity Fit Club."
• Katie Couric would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
  
• When the girls are expelled, they don't go home. Mo'Nique eats them. Think of the ratings next year on Fit Club when that crazy drill instructor makes Mo'Nique do seven push ups and she sweats out Buckwild.
• I'm moderately concerned about the number of small animals that have died in Hottie's weave. I suspect she's got half a pet cemetary up there. That wierd bump on the left side of her head could quite possibly be Elian Gonzalez.
  
• And by the way, her hiding of Krazy's dresses in the kitchen cabinets was absolute genius. Best reality TV moment since Boston Rob proposed to Amber.
• Elisabeth Hasselbeck would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
  
• These women absolutely hate each other, and it's the best part of the show. And they're doing it all for a mere $50,000. This is a milestone in modern television. I guarantee we'll see at least three shootings, four stabbings, and two girls being choked to death by Hottie's weave. It's possible we could see all three of these things happen at the same time.
• Commercial break. Is it bad that I was extremely amused by the site of nine people piling into a station wagon in front of Boca Grande last night?
• "She's a whack ass bitch who has a whack ass weave and I don't like her whack ass ass." Profound.
  
• Everytime anyone has anything bad to say about Hottie, they mention her weave. I'm glad Nick finally explained to me what a weave is, or I'd be extremely lost.
• That answers a question that's been bothering me for a long, long time: skid-marked underwear is indeed blurred out when it appears on cable television.
• Flashback to the "I Love New York" reunion. At first, I was extremely skeptical of Pumkin and Mr. Boston being together - but now I'm convinced it was meant to be. I can't wait for VH1 to air the wedding ceremony live from the Foggy Goggle.
  
• How is it that the only girl to get kicked off Flavor of Love before the naming ceremony seems to be the one with the clearest head on her shoulders? I'm hoping it's only a matter of time until Saaphyri breaks a chair over someone's face, takes a bite off of Mo'Nique's nose, and chucks a bus through the front of the house with one hand.
  
• You know, I'm intrigued by the fact that the "head mistress" of this charm school, Mo'Nique, probably wouldn't be able to win this competition. If you notice, they only bring her in after one of the girls has made an absolute ass of herself. They never make her do anything difficult, and during eliminations, she just does her best impersonation of Tyra Banks in "America's Next Top Model." Although, maybe that is Tyra...I heard she was gaining weight.
• By the way, Tyra would've been a better host than Mo'Nique.
• So would Vince McMahon.
• And Wayne Brady must've been available.
• Or at least Sharon Osborne.
• Holy shit, I'm two years older than Bootz! She's done two shows, and I haven't done any. Time to get my reality TV career in order.
• And Krazy's going home. Hottie and her weave triumph again (shit, that's where she should've hidden the dresses).
  

On the topic of email

I've been reading and hearing more and more about how communication through email isn't as personal or effective as a face-to-face meeting or a phone call. Apparently people think email is cold, emotionless, and devoid of intonation.

Poppycock, I say. These people simply do not know how to read and write.

Email, after all, is just another form of written communication. You wouldn't call Shakespeare "emotionless." And if you told Oprah one of her precious book club offerings was "devoid of intonation," she'd probably eat you (and I mean every last bit of you) so she'd gain a hundred pounds and have an excuse for another weight loss special.

It all comes down to the fact that most people try to write the way they speak. This doesn't work. You can't just jot down whatever stream of conciousness crap flows through your pea brain and assume people are going to understand it. You have to think about what you're writing and consider the best way to present the exact tone you're trying to convey. It's really not that difficult.

And when all else fails, toss in an emoticon or two. After all, what could be clearer than this:

:( You're fired! ;) :0