Because Everybody Else is Parodying It...

Guy that looks like he may have lost his stapler: Hello! I'm a PC!

Guy that might be a hippie, or at least an emo kid: And I'm a Mac...hey, PC, what's that sticking out the back of your pants?

PC: Ah! That, my friend, is a ten foot pole!

Mac: A ten foot pole? What's that good for?

PC: Nothing, really. It's just kind of what happens to anyone who disregards a different opinion simply because they're afraid to leave the status quo.

Mac: Sounds uncomfortable.

PC: I consider it a badge of honor. After all, look at all the people who have them! Politicians, TV executives, the RIAA...

Mac: Yeah, I get it. Hey! I can help people make movies! It's so easy!

PC: Wait...why would you want to do something like that?

Mac: So people can put it online and share it with their friends. It's cool!

PC: But...isn't the Internet full of enough useless crap that's swallowing all the worthwhile content? Kind of like how MySpace is drawing people away from the earth shattering goodness of I Stole Your Lunch?

Mac: Are you saying you don't want to see the choppy, unfocused video of my grandmother trying to teach her goldfish to speak French? Oh, that Nana! She's so senile! And I made the soundtrack myself in Garage Band...

PC: No, I really don't want to...say...what's that coming out of the back of your pants?

Mac: Errrm...that's also a ten foot pole...people don't usually notice it because my marketing department spends a lot of money to hide it behind a shield of shiny white plastic.

PC: Ah ha! Hypocrite! But wait...something's different. What...how come your pole doesn't smell like mine?

Mac: My shit doesn't stink.

PC: I guess not. But...I can play games, and you can't!

Mac: Yes I can. I have an XBox and a PS2. And unlike you, I only have to update my gaming hardware every five or six years. When's that new video card that you need for the next Warcraft patch come out again?

PC: Um...tomorrow. And then the one I need for the next Splinter Cell comes out next month...

A midget with one leg, a ponytail, way too much facial hair and a stained t-shirt that says "Compile this, mofo!" enters the scene.

Midget: Nanoo-nanoo, I'm Linux!

Mac: What the fuck do you want?

The initial midget is followed by a swarm of similarly dressed midgets that clog the stage.

Midget in a swanky crimson hat: I'm Linux too!

Blue Midget: Me too!

Midget with a stack of dubious looking legal claims: And me!

Midget that looks like the Travelocity spokesdoll: Same here!

Midget with Indiana Jones's hat: Werd!

Mac: You're all Linux?

All midgets: That's right! All the cool kids say we're better than you, so we're here to kick your asses!

PC: ...but if you're better than me, why are you always trying to be me so you can play games?

Mac: And I was built off Unix, which you guys just kind of copied.

Fedora Linux: But...we're great for servers and web hosting!

PC: But when you break, who am I supposed to call?

Redhat Linux: Um...that smelly guy who lives down the hall that's always listening to trance music...?

Mac: If I break, you can go to the genius bar!

PC: Well if I break, chances are pretty good one of your children can fix me. And if you have to get me apart, you don't have to completely break me.

Mac: But...I've got style!

Linux using Gnome desktop: Well, some of us are free.

PC: Free? Free as in OJ Simpson? Free as in Whitey Bulger?

Mac: Free as in "No one will pay for me, so I might as well just give myself away?"

IBM Linux: We will destroy you with VI!

SCO Linux: No, we'll destroy you with EMACS!

PC and Mac: Hahahahahahahhahahahahahaha! Yeah, right! Maybe you guys should come to a consensus first.

Midgets leave begin to argue amongst themselves and leave.

PC: Phew, I'm glad that's over.

Mac: Yeah, that Linus guy was a real whore. If his progeny ever got their act together, we'd be in deep shit.

PC: Probably. Hey, you can't play games!

Mac: Well, you get a lot of viruses!

PC: I work better with business applications that were coded by hacks that like to take shortcuts!

Mac: You're always trying to copy me!

PC: Right click, bitch!

Mac: I can make PDF's without Acrobat!

Things About Boston That Will Make You Smile If You Don't Suck

Finally, the opposite of the "Annoying Boston" list. These are things in Boston that should make you happy...unless, of course, you suck.

• Mission Hill. I couldn't possibly create a list of the good things in Boston without mentioning the place that taught me how to be the award winning alcoholic I am today. An influx of new businesses have really rejuvenated the area, almost to the point where it's safe to walk through it unarmed at 2 in the afternoon.
• Assholes. Who the fuck wants to live somewhere everyone is nice and friendly to each other? I don't want strangers trying to start up a conversation with me on the street or on the T. Leave me alone, and I'll leave you alone, and we'll get along just fine. Until you get in my way, and then I'm going to flip you off and call your mother a dirty word.
• JC Monahan. The Nelly Furtado of weather girls.
• Drew Bledsoe cannot hurt us anymore. Remember when the Patriots sucked? Remember when they seemed like a good team, and they were just good enough to make you think they were about to win a big game...and then, with a First and Goal on their opponent's five yard line, Drew Bledsoe would toss up a turkey that an 80 year-old blind woman in a wheelchair could pick off, and then said interception would be returned for the touchdown that would seal the game as yet another Patriots loss? You don't remember that? Well, just ask a Cowboys fan! Or better yet, tune in to a Dallas game...even after all these years, I still get that fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach when I know Drew is about to unleash one of his signature game ending brain farts. But whereas it was like passing a tennis ball sized kidney stone when he was a Patriot, now it's like laughing at a drunk old homeless guy who falls down the stairs and takes out a fruit cart and three people who can't figure out how to use the T. It's awesome!
• The Boston Tricycle Man. Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk! Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk! Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk!
• The overabundance of coffee shops. If you have to walk more than three minutes to get a coffee, chances are pretty good you're not in Boston anymore. The ratio of people to coffee joints in this city is somewhere around 12 to 1...which means, if we look at teacher-student ratios, that we've got roughly three coffee shops for every teacher in Boston. So quit bitching about the size of your class, get a triple mocha latte, and teach the kids about the Pilgrims! (Note: The number of coffee shops is also good for artsy chicks who don't quite know what to do with their lives but make excellent baristas)
• The marbles in Mayor Menino's mouth. De best powitisha en de nohahaotheast. A twuwee gwait pubbbbbubuubbbwic speeekuh. Mayaya Menino a foahse te be weckonded wit en Botton powitikles. Kaaaahnomedy goald.
  
• You always know where the hippies are going to be. Don't like tie-dye, hemp, free love, or girls with armpit hair? Just avoid JP, Slummerville, MassArt, and Boston Common on the weekends, and you're good to go!
• The Hong Kong. Scorpion bowls plus teryiaki on a stick sold by a guy carrying a whole bucket of the shit equals one of those nights.
• Nuts. If you haven't checked out the...erm...the equipment on the Leopard Statue at Wentworth Institute of Technology, be sure to stop in and take a peek. Scott Colby is proud to be an alumni of the university with the biggest balls on Huntington Avenue.
  
• The things that happen here give Scott Colby something to write about. Nuff said.

Now that that's over with, I'd like to give a shout out to my friend 10eisha, who moved out to San Diego. The Notorious Josh Moody clued me in to her website. Awesome art, and a really excellent site design. Scott Colby hopes that when she hits it big with this stuff she'll let me live in the pool house. So check out her stuff and leave her a message if you knew her (but don't do anything to make her smile, or you'll ruin her meal ticket). Holy shit, I need to figure out how to turn this link off.

Do not send your children to public school in Attleboro

The principal is a pussy.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/18/no.tag.ap/index.html

Seriously, this might be worse than banning birthday cupcakes.

I really have to wonder if this guy was that one little fat dweebil who was always it because he was too fat and too much of a dweebil to catch anyone.

And that quote at the end, by the parent who's child "feels safer" - Earth to dumbass, if you don't feel safe, don't play. I suspect that the kid never actually said he felt safer, and just kind of blew his mother off about the question so he could go kill hookers in Grand Theft Auto while she was busy talking to the journalist.

And I thought schools were making it a priority to get kids exercising? Going down the slide is not a good way to burn calories.

You want to protect your children from something truly dangerous at recess? Force all the little girls to wear shoes with padded toes, to protect the shins of all the little boys. This way, little boys who are gross and obnoxious like I used to be can be gross and obnoxious without worrying about shin-bruising repercussions. I don't think my nightmares will ever go away...

Kids are kids, and you need to let them be kids...unless, of course, you want them to grow up to be pussies like this principal. I bet he cries when he gets a paper cut.

Now here's an article worth reading

Seriously, actually read this one:

http://radaronline.com/features/2006/10/americas_dumbest_congressmen_a_radar_special_report.php

Of course, this article raises a very important question: just how stupid are the people who actually voted for these idiots? And why haven't their voting priveleges been taken away for life?

After reading the article, I've come to the conclusion that I would pay a lot of money to see a real live United States Congressman or woman answer a question simply by saying "Buttfucking."

Annoying Boston

Tonight I noticed a copy of the Improper Bostonian on the kitchen table. Some jackass from a second rate show that'll probably be cancelled by the first week of November was on the cover, surrounded by a group of thoroughly uninteresting headlines - save for one that managed to completely fool me.

The title read "Annoying Boston." I thought to myself, "Hey, that sounds like something an asshole just like me would write!" I was looking forward to a clever, poignant, funny article. What I got was drivel any fourth grader who's heard anything about the city probably could've written. Highlights of things to be annoyed about in Boston included the weather, the confusing T, the cost of housing, getting a cab after last call, and an overall lack of beer deals during Happy Hour.

I hope whoever wrote this didn't spend a lot of money on that journalism degree from the University of Phoenix online. It was neither clever, nor poignant, nor funny. I was extremely disappointed.

And I thought to myself, I'm a New Englander who's easily annoyed. I can do better.

So, without further ado, "Annoying Boston: The Unabridged Scott Colby Version"

• People who are confused by the T. Fucking seriously. Inbound is toward Park Street, Outbound is away from Park Street, and if you get lost, just ask the smelly guy in the corner raving about angels and Judgement Day - chances are very good he lives in the tunnel. Plus, the T's website has this handy dandy trip planner that will tell you step by step how to get anywhere in the city. If you can use Myspace - and I know you can - you can figure out how to use the T.
• Idiots sitting in the outside seat who do not stand up when you're sitting in the inside seat and are trying to get out. Are your legs broken? Do you suspect that even though the aisle looks like grungy plastic, it's really molten lava in disguise waiting to singe off your big toes? In the two stops you've been riding the train, have you worked such an excellently comfortable butt groove into the seat that it would be a damn shame to ruin it? If the answer to all of the above is no, stand your ass up, step out into the aisle, and get out of the way. I have made it a point to attempt to pass wind in front of anyone rude enough to remain seated while I'm trying to get out past them, and I suggest you do the same. Together we can curb this epidemic! (Note: also works well on anyone who thinks their backpack deserves its own seat)
  
• The lack of quality journalism. For a city that supposedly plays host to three pretty good journalism universities (Emerson, BU, and Northeastern), the publications here are absolutely horrid. I wouldn't wipe my ass with the Herald, and I'd refrain from using the Globe unless I had diarrhea. The Metro is an ok way to get a basic handle on what's going down in the nation and the region...but don't spend too much time searching the small spaces in between advertisements for a sign of in depth reporting or intelligent analysis, because you're not going to find it. And don't even get me started on the Improper.
• Amalia Badadadadadadadadadada. I swear, every time that woman signs off on a report, the number of "dadas" is different. Amalia, pick a number and stick with it...or marry a guy named Smith.
• Dick Albert, the bald guy who used to be on Channel 4 or maybe Channel 7, and that Dave guy who looks like he couldn't bench press a Bud Light. Earth to Channel 5...JC Monahan, the hottest woman ever to put on a pantsuit with a lowcut jacket, is a proud member your roster of weatherpeople, and yet you consistently deprive her of valuable screentime so you can put these three old men on the air. The 18 to 30-year-old male portion of your viewership weeps, as do the "creepy old man" and the "she's in a pantsuit, so she might like carpet" demographics.
• The lack of decent places to take a leak. If there was one thing this city could do to improve itself, it would be to build a slew of public toilets. Currently, if you have to take care of bidness, you have two options - find an alley, or use a restaraunt bathroom. Most alleys are generally occupied, and although Itchy Earl will give you good lavatory conversation, you don't want him telling you how he's got a rash that looks just like that one above your thigh. And restaraunt bathrooms...good luck. You've either got to drop $50 on a cheeseburger so the classy joints will give you the keys to their clean stalls, or you have to make a mental note to burn your shoes when you get home if you use any place that doesn't guard the door to the john. So Boston, I implore you...either build some public restrooms, or clear the homeless out of the alleys and install tp holders on the side of every dumpster. And don't worry, it'll all just wash into the Charles.
  
• That time of year where every conversation involves at least one participant bitching about the price of heat. This one really gets my goat. These people act so surprised...like they didn't know it was going to be five fucking degrees out in December. "But Scott Colby, next year it might be 70!" Shut the fuck up. You know the entire city's about to do its best impersonation of a witch's you-know-what. And you know why it's putting a hit in your wallet? Because in June, when you had the extra money that you could've saved to help pay for heat, you instead chose to spend it on Punky Brewster Commemorative Plates or a bikini wax for your poodle you stupid shit.
• The pilgrims. Granted, I went to school in South Central Worcester County (represent!), but I have to assume things are the same out here. Every damn year in elementary school, we'd spend the last half of October and all of November learning about the fucking pilgrims. "But Scott Colby, local history is important!" Well, so is teaching kids something new every year, asshat. Maybe this is why your little nose goblin can't pass the MCAS. Thanks to all that time spent learning about Plymouth, I can now make a Pilgrim hat out of construction paper blindfolded, with one hand tied behind my back, while a dyslexic MassArt chick who's been tripping on E for the past few days tries to tattoo the word "Mom" on my ass. Seriously, test me.
• Commercials starring Ernie Boch, Jr. Hang it up, dude. Your "C'mon down!" doesn't hold a candle to your father's. Somewhere, Ernie Sr's turning in his grave and trying to figure out how his son grew up to look like David Hasselhoff without the acting ability.
• Radio personalities. It really doesn't matter what who the duo du jour happens to be. Opie and Anthony. Toucher and Rich. Douchebag and The World's Smallest Lumberjack. They all sound exactly the same. They all do stupid shit involving sex, retards, and bodily functions, and then they sit there and laugh repeatedly at said stupid shit, even when said stupid shit isn't funny. I'm waiting for one of these stations to just replace their morning guys with a three hour long recording of fart noises. No, seriously, I'd be mildly amused by that.
• White dudes who only attempt to dance to "Gold Digger." This very well may happen everywhere, but it needs to be addressed. Next time you hear Jamie Foxx's vocals announce the coming of Kanye, step aside and just look at the bar. You'll see a sea of uncoordinated white dudes bouncing up and down out of time to the beat, like if all the kids on the short bus tried to do the wave. This needs to stop. First off, no gold digger worth her hooker boots would ever mistake you for a mark. Second, either actually try to dance, or clear the dance floor so Scott Colby can do the Lawnmower, the Sprinkler, or (ladies beware) the Microwave.

That's it, I'm done. Hopefully something in there at least made you giggle once or twice, which is a lot more than the article in the Improper will make you do.

And you know what, since all that was slightly negative...I think the next entry will focus on the good things about Boston - unless, of course, you'd prefer an update to the List of Bad Things to Give Trick-or-Treaters...

Finally, something happening in Texas that I agree with

http://www.cnn.com/2006/EDUCATION/10/13/defending.the.classroom.ap/index.html

For those of you too lazy to read the article (you know who you are, and so do I), a high school in Texas is teaching its students that if some asshole walks into the classroom with a gun, you chuck stuff at him and then you bum rush him and kick his ass.

Think about it. You make it a lot harder for him to shoot you if shit's flying in his face and you're moving around. Lying down under the desk is a great way to get a bullet in the back of the head. If I had children in a school system teaching this, I'd be damn proud. As far as I'm concerned, it's always better to take things into your own hands than to wait it out and hope nothing bad happens.

And you know what? One or two children will most likely get winged in the process. But how many died in Columbine? How many have died in the outbreak we've had the past few weeks? With class sizes jumping up over 30, one or two gunshot victims could save over two dozen other lives.

"Oh, Scott Colby, what if one of your kids was shot rushing a gunman? Wouldn't you feel bad?" Yeah, for a little while, I would. But then I'd realize he was a hero, and I'd feel damn proud of him.

One of the people quoted in the article says that this school system is training kids to do things that professional tactical officers would do, and there's no way they can be prepared. Hello, haven't violent video games had been teaching our kids to be cold-blooded killers for years? The first time students successfully fight back, and one of the kids is quoted as saying "Yeah, we went all Masterchief on his ass," Hillary and Jack Thompson are going to look really, really stupid.

The Official Scott Colby Blood Alcohol Content Conversion Chart

It's useful to know Scott Colby's current Blood Alcohol Content, but carrying around a breathalyzer isn't always convenient. Below is a handy dandy chart you can print out and carry in your wallet so you will always be able to judge Scott Colby's level of inebriation based upon whatever he's doing at the time.

• 0.00% - Goes to the gym; plays videogames; becomes only mildly annoyed at people who say Windows is better; excellent speller; thinks that the night is going to be more interesting than it actually turns out to be.
• 0.01% - Swears about commas every five minutes or so; rants about (insert Republican here) being an idiot; has spent about half an hour on the porch.
• 0.02% - Begins to espouse the value of the semicolon; suspects that Big Foot may indeed be in the backyard; sounds as if he may actually know something about politics; has successfully burned three hot dog and/or hamburger buns.
• 0.03% - Attempts to get other people onto the dance floor; suspects he may have a career as a weather man; excellent speller; begins to formulate next stupid blog idea.
• 0.04% - Snarls at people who say Windows is better; has spent an hour on the porch; becomes ok at beer pong; begins to think that wrestling might be real after all.
• 0.05% - Dancing begins to seem like an ok idea; possibly at Ain Tain; when confronted with a situation where a decision must be made, asks himself "What would Bill Clinton do?"
• 0.06% - Thinks that a trip to Punters won't actually suck this time, even though it hasn't been fun in two years; believes that Pat Buchanon is an alien; attempts to rescue Kaplan from the fat chick.
• 0.07% - Drifts toward dance floor; wants to go to the Foggy Goggle; excellent speller; gives up trying to rescue Kaplan from the fat chick.
• 0.08% - Shakes non-existent hips in vague time with every third beat; plays country music on the jukebox; has been on the porch for two hours.
• 0.09% - Actually inside of the Foggy Goggle; sings along with the Notorious B.I.G.; vehemently denies that Windows is better.
• 0.10% - Dances horribly; buys lots of Vitamin Water; pushes Republicans down the stairs; can't talk straight, but still able to keep in time with Biggie.
• 0.11% or higher - Swears at anyone who says Windows is better and tells them they should be using a typewriter if that's what they think.
• 0.15% or higher - Loses ability to spell.
  

The Bomb

So North Korea's first nuclear test didn't go quite as planned. Apparently the blast wasn't as big as it was supposed to be. I Stole Your Lunch has the scoop.

Mere moments after defeating 27 consecutive opponents in chess while simultaneously schooling an entire bus of children at Uno, Fearless Leader retired to his luxury box to watch what was to be a glorious occasion - his nation's first nuclear weapons test. All was ready to go as planned, until, thanks to his hawk-like eyesight, Fearless Leader spotted a lone, lost, shivering puppy that had strayed onto the test site.

Fearless Leader burst through the window of his luxury box with a dropkick Chuck Norris could only dream of, executed a perfect series of three front flips that even the Russian judges would've given a perfect ten, and landed perfectly on a waiting skateboard. As he raced across the testing grounds at speeds Tony Hawk, Bam Margera, and Marty McFly could never reach, he realized that although he was going to reach the poor, cold puppy in time, there was no way he could escape the blast zone before the bomb was triggered.

Fearless leader came to a screeching halt in front of the puppy mere moments before the majestic mushroom cloud marked North Korea's entry into the nuclear world. As the wall of fire and energy tore toward him and the puppy, Fearless Leader realized there was only one thing he could do: inhale.

His indestructable lungs absorbed three quarters of the blast and metabolized it into a harmless little fart, which he later passed at dinner to a round of thunderous applause. The little puppy was safe, but North Korea's first nuclear test appeared to be a dud. Korean scientists could not determine why the blast was smaller than expected...and since Fearless Leader is a humble man, he has yet to come forward to the media with the tale of his heroism.

In all seriousness, though, this whole thing with North Korea and nuclear weapons is ridiculous. As long as we have nukes of our own, we have no right telling other people they can't have them. And besides, name one country out there that's going to say, "OK, we don't need the atomic bomb. We'll grow pretty flowers instead!" As long as one country has the bomb, they're all going to want it, just in case they some day have to retaliate. And besides, debates about gay marriage and violent video games make better TV.

Sunday Musings

I've had a bunch of blog ideas rolling around in my head for the past week that never actually made it to the Interweb. I need to get them down before I forget, which is why today's update may appear to be a random coagulation of stupidity. Kind of like MySpace.

ON THE RED SOX
Boston fans around the country are rejoicing that the BoSox have finally missed the playoffs, thus allowing them to return to their natural state of bitchy misery. Hooray!

As is common for anything involving the Sox, this latest implosion has been repeatedly dissected from every possible angle. It's Beckett's fault for sucking in his first year in a new league. It's Theo's fault for not trading the entire farm system for Bobby Abreu. It's Wily Mo's fault for not being Bronson Arroyo. It's Manny's fault for eating all the cupcakes in the clubhouse and then dropping a massive deuce in the Green Monster. Oddly enough, none of the so-called experts have mentioned the real reason for the team's collapse. Remember, for the first half of the season or so, they were rolling right along, looking like they might finally knock the injury depleted Yankees off the AL East throne...and then the Sox hired Allard Baird as an advisor to Theo.

For those who don't know, Mr. Baird was General Manager of the Kansas City Royals for several years before finally getting shitcanned in May of this year. During his tenure as GM, the Royals went 5-9999999, getting swept five times by the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and once by an MTV Rock and Jock softball team. He also signed Jose Lima, a pitcher who would be very similar to Pedro Martinez if Pedro had a career ERA of 7.83 and was responsible for all 17 of Alex Gonzalez's career home runs.

This guy's got "Future Wendy's Employee of the Month" written all over him, and yet the Sox still gave him a job. The reasoning at the time apparently was to silence all the critics claiming that Boston's front office was too young and inexperienced. Since all Theo and Co. knew how to do was win, they decided to bring in a guy who's a master at losing. The plan seems to have worked out even better than the Sox brass hoped, especially since Baird appears to have forgotten to scrape off the years of congealed suck before leaving Kansas City.

ON THE PATS
I liked the two tight end offense in the preseason, but now something doesn't look right. Forget all the talk about his body language; Tom Brady has developed a serious case of the Derek Lowe Face. If it becomes permanent, we're about to have a repeat of the Bledsoe years, or...gasp...perhaps even the Hugh Millen/Scott Zolak years.

I can understand the reasoning that wide receivers become slightly less important when you've got two of the league's best pass catching tight ends, and I can definitely understand the team's decision not to deal with selfish assholes who think they're worth more than they actually are. What concerns me most isn't the offense; it's the defense.

Can't we get some corners who don't get hurt? What the hell?

And where's the depth at linebacker? Bruschi, Seau, Vrabel, and Colvin are an excellent starting four... but other than Colvin, they're OLD. They're going to get hurt. And when they do, there isn't going to be anyone worthwhile to stick in there.

And the play calling...

For the majority of the Denver game, New England showed the same basic 3-4 scheme. Obviously, it didn't work, and they didn't make any modifications to the game plan. Against Jake "The Mistake" Plummer, you'd think you'd want to show as many different looks as possible. Maybe mix in a bit more 4-3, or that crazy 1 down lineman 5 linebacker thing. Apparently, however, one defense is good enough.

ON MY BOY SLICK WILLY
Get ready, Billy my boy. More attacks like the one from that douche bag from that stupid news channel are on their way.

But here's the thing. The conservative attack machine isn't actually interested in you. They're interested in Hillary.

Whether it's fair or not, Slick Willy is the single biggest piece of political baggage Hillary's got. He's a bullseye for all of her potential opponents in the upcoming presidential race. Need to make her look bad? Attack her through her husband.

And the best part of that tactic is that she can't distance herself from him. Doing so would hurt her more than anything her opponents could possibly say about Hillary or her husband. If she does anything to separate herself from Bill, she instantly becomes a bad wife who lacks the values and morals to stand by her man - and there are far too many voters out there who think that kind of shit actually matters.

Basically, she's fucked.