I Will Survive, Episode 5

I have a confession to make: I am completely addicted to Survivor.  Have been on and off for quite a long time.  And you thought my taste in entertainment couldn't possibly get any worse.

Like the few other things I watch on TV, I am extremely opinionated about Survivor and I know I could do a better job than everyone involved.  Unfortunately I'm a lazy shit and I can't swim all that well.  Ok, at all.  But I sure as hell can pass judgment on the cast!  I'm also very good at copying other people, so I'm going to pull a Bill Simmons and separate the cast into tiers depending on their chances of ultimate victory.  Spoilers to follow.

No Chance.  No Chance In Hell.
Brandon - His strong alliance with Coach might keep in the game for a long time, but there is no way in hell a jury is giving this dude $1 million.  If Survivor were a drinking game, we'd be finishing our beers every time Lil Hantz breaks down in tears to tell us how much of a nice guy he really is deep down inside.  I just hope he makes it to the family challenge so I can see the "Oh fuck the Dragon Slayer just pooped himself" face Coach makes when Uncle Russell comes sauntering out of the jungle.

Keith and Whitney - These two dumb fucks made me yell at the TV.  There is no stupider move than not taking one of the two sides in a tribal split.  Now neither side wants you or trusts you, you dumb twatwaffles, and you just handed the tribe to that asshat Jim on a silver fucking platter.

Edna - Undoubtedly the next one out of Upolu.  That's a model tribe right there, with a clear pecking order and solid leadership.  Everything Savaii isn't.

Elise - No way she beats Christine on Redemption Island.  That'd be like the Red Sox losing the Wild Card to Tampa B--nevermind.

You Can't See Me
Rick - If it weren't for the mustache and the cowboy hat I would've completely forgotten this guy.  He says about one sentence per episode, which tells me the producers don't care because he doesn't get very far or do anything all that interesting.

It's All About the Game And How You Play It
Cochran - Yet more evidence that I need to try out.  If they'll take this fucker, they'll take me.


Mikayla - Next out after Edna, unless she can find a way to turn Lil Hantz's ridiculous hatred of her around on him.  Sadly I think she's more inclined to just cry about it than she is to try to use it to her advantage.  Possible swing vote if she makes it to the merge.

Ozzy - Watching him give Coach a big hug while flipping off the idiots in Savaii post-merge is going to be absolutely magnificent.  But he might be the next one out if his tribe loses again, and those flip-floppers tend to be the bottom of the list in their new alliances.

Christine - I wouldn't put running the Redemption Island table beyond Christine.  And if she makes it back, she's going to cause some problems for the other players in the individual challenges.

Jim - Classic overthinker.  He would've been smarter to keep Ozzy and Elyse around and happy; pissing Ozzy off now does nothing to actually help the tribe.

Albert and Sophie - Boooooooooooooooooooooooooring.   But that can go far.  Neither is dumb enough to fuck themselves over by betraying Coach, but neither is good enough to win the individual challenges.

I Came to Play
Dawn - Surprised?  Physically fit older women who aren't batshit insane always fly under the radar and reach the final four.  I could write a treatise on this phenomenon.  Keith and Whitney's fuck up catapulted Dawn up out of the "Cochran or the old broad?" discussion and into the threesome suddenly in control of Savaii.  Just watch.

Coach - The odds-on favorite.  He's got a tribe that hangs on his every word.  He's got an immunity idol in his back pocket and could add another if Ozzy swings post-merge.  He doesn't have a Jerri to hit on, so he no longer makes me want to throw up.  Brandon is the only crack in his armor right now.  If he gets rid of Lil Hantz too soon, he loses a strong hand in the challenges and could see a major pain in the ass coming back to bite him if the kid survives Redemption Island.  If he keeps him around too long, the others might start to think he's stupid.  My thought: Edna first, then Brandon if they lose again pre-merge.

Yes, I named all of my tiers using lyrics from wrestling entrance music.  Yes, that was a stupid fucking idea that has nothing to do with the subject matter.  No, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Courtesy shouldn't be big news

Today the MBTA launched a new advertisement campaign urging its riders to be more courteous. The campaign makes use of fake newspaper headlines detailing nice things you can do to make everybody's T experience just a little less sucky. Examples include such gems as "Man gives up seat for pregnant woman -- Red Line passengers witness display of good manners" and "Passenger refrains from loud cell phone conversation! -- Others will not get to hear about dermatologist appointment."

This is a good start, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. Luckily I was once the Editor-in-Chief of a nationally renowned student newspaper. I am damn good at headlines. Here are a few I recommend the T add:

• Everybody showered today -- Blue Line smells less like shit 
• Popped collar wearing douche bag steps into train rather than grabbing the first pole he sees like it's bamboo and he's a panda -- Friendly nun fixes his collar, thanks him 
• Sketchy homeless man shares paper bagged Wild Turkey with anyone who asks -- The destination of this train is: Party! 
• Teenager refrains from swinging on bars like monkey having a seizure -- Might actually amount to something someday 
• Drunk assholes call a cab -- Red Line passengers pass hat to pay their tip 
• Scott Colby holds in fart until after disembarking -- "I'm so glad my crops were not dusted!" exults fellow passenger 
• Lard ass realizes he won't fit in that seat, remains standing -- Passengers grateful for lack of side blubber spilling into their laps 
• Woman discovers she can get back on the train after stepping off to let others through -- Nobel Peace Prize sure to follow

I Read Your Book: "Oryx and Crake" by Margaret Atwood

No, that's not the pair of exotic tropical diseases that did in Van Gogh.  That's the title of a book that reaffirms my faith in nerd literature.

Plot: "Oryx and Crake" tells the story of a man who might be the last human on earth following the spread of a deadly plague.  The narrative switches easily and effortlessly between Snowman's journey to the ruins of civilization for fresh supplies and flashbacks to his youth and relationship with the titular Oryx and Crake.  All things considered, it's all a bit anticlimactic; Atwood is more concerned about how the characters get to the big turning points in their lives than she is about making those moments overly dramatic.  She doesn't beat the reader over the head with explanation or ruin the flow with any big "Why?  I'll tell you..." speeches. There's no big twist, no misdirection, and no bullshit. It works, and it works well.  Score:9

Setting:  Local and national governments have collapsed, replaced by giant corporations that provide a police force and manipulate every bit of people's lives for their own gain.  Most of these corporations deal in radical biotech: treatments to change the way you look, highly specialized animals built to maximize food production or grow organs for transplant, custom microbes with which to destroy your enemies.  It's science fiction, but it never, ever seems far-fetched.Score:10

Characters: There's growth here, but it's subtle.  Snowman's kind of a washout in his early days; he'd be nothing without Crake, but he's grown up since the plague and become a strong father figure to Crake's new race of pseudo-humans.  His name may not be part of the title, but he's the star of this book.  Score: 8

Ending: Remember what I wrote above about the plot being a bit anticlimactic?  Yeah.  The finale kind of works given the tone and structure of the book, but I can't help wishing it provided a bit more closure.  Score: 5

That's an 8.  I'm not sure it's fair to let the ending hold it back like that, so let's call it a high 8, an 8.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999.

Bests: Atwood doesn't beat you over the head with plot developments and character growth - you have to pay attention; the setting.
"Bests:" At one point, a group of tree hugging eco-terrorists "free" a bunch of chickens genetically modified to produce a metric ton of meat but no legs or eyes.
Worsts: Closure?  Please?  And I never got a good feel for what made Oryx tick.

Is it better than Scott Colby's forthcoming novel, "Shotgun?" Yes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I Read Your Book: "The Measure of Magic: Legends of Shannara" by Terry Brooks

Yup, I read shit with titles like that.  I'm so cool.

Plot: "Measure of Magic" tells the story of a young boy, Panterra Qu, forced to take up the black staff and become the new last Knight of the Word, making him the last, best, and only defense humanity has against a world ravaged by a demonic apocalypse.  It falls to Panterra and his motley crew of pals to protect the last vestige of civilization is under siege by an army of ferocious trolls and demon set on destroying the bearer of the black staff.  Oh man I can hear the women lining up to talk to me.

If you've read Brooks before, you know what's coming: rescues by the King of the Silver River, missing elf stones, and magic that isn't much fun because its use always comes with a price.  Things progress in a slow, orderly fashion; cuts between perspective are surprisingly rare and well-timed given the number of characters involved.  But it all feels rather anti-climactic; nothing about the situation in the valley changes.  The demon goes through the trouble of killing a shit ton of people to attract Panterra into an ambush...but Panterra was all ready kind of heading that direction anyway, so what was the point?  The subplot involving the treacherous elven queen was cleaned up a little too easily.  Score: 6

Characters: It's not even worth listing them.  You want static characters with almost zero back story?  You got 'em.  No one in this story grows or changes.  Most of the protagonists are indecipherable from each other; they're all cut out of the same cloth.  They're plucky and courageous and they do what they have to do when they have to do it.  What could've been an interesting love triangle between Panterra and the two main heroines never comes to fruition.  The death of one character seems completely unnecessary.

The only saving grace here is the demon.  The large chunk of the story told from his evil, obsessive perspective is the one place where Brooks really shines.  Score: 5

Setting: If there's another book in the series, this is what will make me grudgingly decide to read it.  The last bits of humanity and elven(ity?) have been sequestered in a magically protected valley for 500 years as the rest of the world degenerated into a wasteland ravaged both by demons and nuclear and chemical weapons.  The wards have come down, and now it's time to reenter the world at large.  Or what's left of it.  I would've liked to have seen more.  Score: 8

Ending: Blah.  I didn't care enough about any of the characters to feel anything about the end, and things progressed pretty much the way I thought they would.  Bleh.  Score: 5

Add 'em all up, bust out some division, and we get a 6.  That pains me; Brooks is an old favorite.  I had high hopes for this one because I really enjoyed the previous trilogy.  The great setting gives the series a chance for a big comeback...but maybe it's time for Brooks to try something new.

Bests: The demon; the setting.
"Bests:" Leading a dragon around with a magic beam of light like it's a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Worsts: Who the fuck are these people and why the fuck should I care; don't even bother trying to read this if you haven't read the others.

Is it better than Scott Colby's forthcoming novel, "Shotgun?"  No way.  Brooks's elves are getting a bit boring and long in the tooth; mine are ridiculous assholes.  I win.

Things for Which I Would Trade John Lackey and Carl Crawford

• $20 and a urinal cake to be named later.
• Beach buckets and shovels.  Everybody loves building a sand castle.
• Manny Ramirez.
• Pedro Martinez.
• Pedro's midget friend (RIP).
• Trot Nixon.
• Ozzie Guillen.
• Skeeball tickets from Good Times.  Despite the fact that the Emporium is naught but a gaping crater, these irredeemable tickets somehow seem like they'd be more useful than Lackey and Crawford.
• Carlos Zambrano.  Don't tell me the Cubs wouldn't do it.
• Frank McCourt.
• A bucket of extra tasty crispy.
• Hell, I'd settle for original recipe.
• A thirty rack of Narragansett and two bags of Pop Chips.
• A better place to sit in Diesel Cafe.
• A ski mask and a shotgun.  No, I'm not planning anything.  What makes you say that?
• Oceanfront property in Oklahoma.
• A submarine with a screen door.
• A toilet that somehow thwarts the Coriolis effect and always flushes in the opposite direction in which it should be flushing.
• Brady Quinn and Matt Leinart.
• T tokens.
• A trip around Africa aboard a Somali pirate ship.
• An autographed Lindsay Lohan ankle tracking bracelet.
• Someone larger than the big guido playing backgammon in the corner to tell said big guido to button his Hawaiian shirt the fuck up.
• Paper towels and toilet paper.  You can never have enough of either.
• Some actual blogging skills so I can write something more intelligent than a random ass bulleted list.
• Whatever the hell the Angels, Nats, Mets, or Orioles are willing to give up.  At least one of them has to be interested.