The Tooth Fairy is getting the great big cavity-filled shaft

Every year for about a month or so, Santa Claus gets his own seat in front of the food court at the mall. So does the Easter Bunny. It seems like any two-bit hack who brings children some kind of piddly shit can receive star treatment at the mall.

So why, then, do you never see the Tooth Fairy?

Is it because she doesn't have her own bullshit holiday? Is it because she's a woman trapped under the glass ceiling? Or is the Pope holding her down because he's angry that she hasn't sold out to his struggling little cult yet?

Whatever the reason, it's wrong, especially here in the United States. The Tooth Fairy serves as the primary means of income for millions of people, primarily children. In a capitalist society such as ours, she should be revered as a goddess.

By the way, sweatshops that employ children only exist in countries that won't provide the Tooth Fairy with a temporary work visa. Without the option of exchanging teeth for currency, their children have nowhere else to turn if they want to make five dollars a month. It's true, look it up. Wikipedia would not lie to you.

Scott Colby says it's time to show the Tooth Fairy some love. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as proven by the Santas and Bunnies at the mall. It's time for the Tooth Fairy to set up shop in front of the food court, exchanging $1 for teeth while simultaneously selling Polaroids for $5 a pop (thanks Scott Alexander for the shrewd business plan).

The Book of Theo, Psalm 18

...and lo, the Savior hath been tempted by the devil from the big city and he hath given in.
The heavens weep.

But lo, the joke is on the devil from the city! For he shall be undone by his lust for appearances!
The luxurious locks shall fall from the savior's head like the leaves in autumn, and his power shall fall with it.

And the Big Father will collect those locks and tape them to the head of Mark Loretta, and he shall regain the powers of the savior!

While weakened, the fallen savior remains a force. But even his power shall be overwhelmed by the rocket's glare, made red once again, and all shall be good and plentiful.

Digital Cable is Killing Television

Constant time spent loading a new level or area is a perpetual complaint of those losers who have nothing better to do than play video games. So why is it acceptable for cable television?

Why can't Scott Colby instantly change the channel from the Natasha Bedingfield video on VH1 to the episode of American Idol on Fox instantaneously, rather than have to risk Kelly Clarkson walking into the room asking why he changed the channel because she noticed the loading time? She has been suspicious enough as it is lately.

And loading time is generally something that has gone away with progressive generations of technology, not gotten worse. Computers don't take nearly as long to boot or start programs as they used to, despite a huge increase in complexity. Viewers weren't treated to a black screen back in the 50's. Television is going backwards.

"But Scott Colby," you say, "this is a damn stupid thing to write about, especially in a blog that has won as many awards as yours. It's a second and a half, two at the most! Why are you wasting my time with this drivel?" You obviously haven't thought this through. Scott Colby has, though, which is why he is an internet celebrity and you are just a peon in dire need of a John Basedow video or two.

Ever try to flip through all 130 of your digital cable channels? Scott Colby has. Channel surfing, which used to be a wonderful experience, has become extraordinarily annoying due to load times. The point of channel surfing is to traverse channels as quickly as possible until you find something semi-interesting. Most people outside of Alabama would never, ever intentionally put on the History channel to watch a documentary about the rifle; a channel surfer, however would land on that program because he would catch a glimpse of the washed-up-but-still-a-hot-chick host displaying the effects of various rifles on various types of melons while wearing hot pants, and he would be mildly entertained for at least three minutes before moving on. But with the advent of loading times in digital cable, more and more channel surfers are skipping more and more channels that they do not expect to broadcast anything worthwhile. These people miss out on moments like watching Donna D'Errico blow the hell out of a casaba with a .12 gauge, and those are moments that they'll never get back. Loading times are causing people to miss out on the true joys of television, the little moments, and that is a damn shame.

The Liberals Hate Festivus

Cities, towns, and universities across the country proudly display Christmas trees, mangers, and the occasional menorah, and yet there isn't a single aluminum pole to be seen. Each of those displays of holiday cheer also included a lighting ceremony, but none of those featured the mayor or president challenging citizens to Feats of Strength. I opened the Wal Mart holiday circular the other day and excitedly flipped to the hardware page, but there were no aluminum poles to be found. I sent my baby's mama's daughter to school the other day, and she got detention for Airing her Grievances to the teacher. The beliefs of the rest of us are being trampled by institutions far and wide, from the government to the schools to Corporate America. Damn liberals. Somebody call Jesse Jackson!

Scott Colby demands a trade

You read that correctly. I am sick of I Stole Your Lunch. The hours are too long, the working conditions are abominable, and all the bulleted lists are giving me a hernia. Trade me. Now.

I'm serious. You want to know how serious? I put the Best Toaster Ever up for sale on EBay, sold all my stock in the Foggy Goggle, and rolled Kelly Clarkson out of the shower curtain and told her to take a hike. How serious am I? Damn serious.

I demand to be sent somewhere warm, with an ocean view and better background templates, preferably close to Natash Bedingfield.

Do it now, or I will make your life a living hell. I won't show up. And when the media comes looking for me, I'll go outside and do squat thrusts in my driveway while answering questions. You will not be happy when you see me on the 10 o'clock news telling Amalia Badadadadadada all about how I've been mistreated.

Or maybe I will slap a Mike Brilla mask on your face so Starla will beat the shit out of you.

So trade me. Right now. I don't care that I signed a long term deal worth more money than you'll ever see. I'm Scott fuckin Colby, and I want out. And I get what I want.

Oh, the things I would do if I weren't a lazy shit

• Update this stupid blog more. No, screw that. I would transform I Stole Your Lunch from a humble purveyor of stupid prose into the nation's top multimedia extravaganza, complete with pictures for the illiterate and phishing scams for those people who should have their blue e taken away from them, thus allowing me to completely pwn respected news outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and Inside Edition.
• Learn to play "Iron Man" on the oboe in B flat.
• Develop a suitably powerful and obnoxious alternative to the bulleted list.
• Come up with a better excuse to tell Kelly Clarkson than "I was washing my hair" when she inquires where I was during the four hours I spent romancing Natasha Bedingfield Friday night. No dancing stereos were harmed during the writing of this entry, although I was extremely tempted to kick a few when she wasn't looking.
• Purchase a large amount of cottage cheese and use it to construct a shrine to the Best Toaster Ever in the back seat of Raul's automobile.
• Find something more constructive to do, like roll your mom up in the shower curtain.