This is Not a Test of the Emergency Broadcast System

On Wednesday, November 9, at 2 pm, FEMA conducted its first test of the nation-wide Emergency Alert System (EAS).  There were a few bugs, but the thing mostly worked.  Including the Lady Gaga music it briefly played to a few lucky Americans.

"What?" you're surely gasping, mouth agape.  "Every reputable site on the Internet says that was a mistake!  Surely the government didn't intentionally serenade its citizens with Lady Gaga!"

That's where you're wrong.  As we all know, there are a number of things They don't want us to know about.  They don't care that we know there are things They don't want us to know about because they think it's funny.  But there are indeed a lot of things They don't want us to know about.  I'm about to give away one of Their biggest secrets, and They're collectively going to shit a brick.

You see, EAS is SUPPOSED to play music when it's fired up.  The song it plays is a special code used to alert the other Thems as to the true nature of the emergency, the cause They don't want us to know about. It gives Them a leg up on saving themselves while the rest of us are left to die.

For instance:

• Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi," as heard yesterday, tells Them that it's only a test and they should go back to playing CEO while flossing with fresh spider silk seated atop their golden toilets.
• A zombie apocalypse, of course, is heralded by "Thriller."
• "Secret Agent Man" alerts Them to be on the lookout for a Them-created supersoldier who's gone "off the reservation" and begun picking "Them" off one-by-one.
• Nelly's "Hot in Herre" is the signal to head for the spaceship life boats because OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!
• "Supermassive Blackhole" by Muse tells Them to don their gas masks so that they might survive the massive cloud of flatulence headed their way.
• The onset of a pandemic is signaled using "I Will Survive" by the Gloria Gaynor.  Cake's cover tells us it's a food-born illness.
• "Since You've Been Gone" means California just sank but Kelly Clarkson's ok with that because she's moving on.
• "I Think I'm Turning Japanese" by the vapors signals the approach of Godzilla or similar atomic monstrosities including but not limited to Mothra, Rodan, or Janice Dickinson.

In extreme cases, EAS utilizes mashups of the above.  Suppose you hear "Thriller" mixed with "Hot in Herre" and "Supermassive Blackhole."  Now you're dealing with a zombie flatulence aggravated by OH FUCK GLOBAL WARMING!!!

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.  Use it wisely.  You know They will.