Thanks, Alaska

Today the state government of Alaska announced that it was making 24,000 of former Governor Sarah Palin's email messages available to the press and the public for examination. Note that I did not write the term "emails," and you never should either. You don't get mails; you get mail. That doesn't change just because you put an "e" in front of the word to scare old people and idiots who think the computer's going to bite them if they hit the wrong key.

Back to business; my focus tonight is not grammar, it's idiocy, as per the norm. Today's example of how not to do something involves the method in which the state of Alaska is making the Mama Grizzly's email available. When you've got 24,000 electronic transmissions, the obvious means of distributing them is by printing them all out. So that's what Alaska did. Either they have more trees than bandwidth or the current governor has been bought and paid for by the powerful Xerox lobby.

But I suppose it could've been worse. They could've...

• ...recorded all the messages onto player piano reels.
• ...asked the captain of the Exxon Valdez to transcribe the messages into the oil still crusting up the state's sand and soil.
• ...read them live over shortwave radio.
• ...sent them via carrier pigeon.
• ...posted them to a giant billboard so Russia can read them via binoculars.
• ...dispatched Paul Revere to bring them to the British.

Regardless, I want a copy. I'm low on toilet paper.

Top Secret Document from the FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!

United States History 101: Official Course Syllabus

Professor Sarah Palin

Gosh golly gee! Welcome to United States History 101! We're going to have sooooooo much fun learning all about the best country on earth, dontchyaknow! :)

• Week 1: Birth of a Nation. Focus on Paul Revear's midmorning ride, during which he warned the British not to take our guns.
• Week 2: George Washington. That's the guy on the dollar bill! He chopped down a cherry tree even though the crazy conservationists told him not too because he'd make a whole in the autozone layer which is just make believe anyway. That makes him a true American!
• Week 3: Martha Washington. The original mama grizzly!
• Week 4: The Real Reason Behind the Civil War. Discussion revolves around the south's decision to secede because Abraham Lincoln couldn't produce his birth certificate. Then the Confederacy tried to take our guns.
• Week 5: ALASKA. Our greatest trophy of the Cold War! Those eskimos didn't know what hit 'em!
• Week 6: How Teddy Roosevelt's New Deal Caused the Great Depression. Everybody was very sad in the 20's because he tried to take our guns. And this is before the miracle of Prozac! I can't even imagine.
• Week 7: Roe v. Wade. New evidence proves that the judge was possessed by Satan. With special guest lecturer BRISTOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Week 8: Korea. During this war, a prison camp spent five years being tortured inside of John McCain.
• Week 9: FIELD TRIP! Snowmobiling with my husband Todd!!!! I will show you Russia.
• Week 10: Review. P.S. If u see Levi he's not allowed in the classroom.

Grading will be on a curve that kind of looks like the letter G. G is for guns. If u try to take mine I will flunk u!!!!!!

So Long and Good Riddance

Dear 88 Bus,

I'm breaking up with you. It's not you; it's me. I wasn't man enough to love your wild, untamed nature, to appreciate your seemingly random comings and goings as a beautiful expression of freedom and individuality. I need some stability in my life.

Our relationship just wasn't working for me any more. You wouldn't hang out with me unless I paid for the pleasure. And when you passed me on the street and I was otherwise occupied, you'd just speed away with an annoyed squeal and an angry roar. No hello. Not even a wave. Don't kid yourself; I know it wasn't working for you either. Sometimes people just grow apart.

And so I'm moving on. I'll be on my own for now. I don't need to rely on you to get me to work, or to the grocery store, or to bring my drunk ass home. I wish you all the best.

..what's that? Fuck ME? Oh no, no, no, 88, fuck YOU! You want to know the truth? FINE. You smell. Bad. Like ten thousand farts in a tiny elevator stuck on the twenty-third floor of a shit processing plant. And the company you keep? Hot damn! Why the hell would I want to be seen with that motley collection of sweaty drunks and dirty poor people you pal around with everyday? And don't even get me started on all the other men I've seen you pick up, you gold digging tramp! You think I didn't see you give that old blind guy a discount?

And you know what's worst of all? There's absolutely ZERO room in there. That's right, ZERO. IN THERE. I just about had to cover myself in Crisco so I could slip even halfway in. Let me tell you, honey, it was not fun. Even on those rare occasions you'd let me in through the back door. And let me tell you, honey, it sure as hell ain't because I'm too huge.

Damn you, 88. Damn you to hell. To the level of hell that's a never-ending sidewalk clogged with fat people walking side-by-side. To the level that's a grocery store on Sunday afternoon.

We're through. Don't ever speak to me again. I've taken you out of my phone. Bitch.

That's Just Criminal

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis recently took time out of his busy deodorant hawking schedule to chat with ESPN's Sal Paolantonio. During said interview, Mr. Lewis made a rather bold claim: if there's a lockout, crime rates will increase because "There's nothing else to do, Sal."

Now, Ray-Ray - can I call you Ray-Ray? - I respectfully disagree. Very respectfully. Please don't send your planet-blasting, jet-powered raven after me! It seems to me, Ray-Ray, that there are plenty of things to do without football, even though I will miss it worse than I will some day miss my liver. Something tells me that, come Sunday without the NFL, most people's first reaction isn't going to be to go rob someone.

No, Ray-Ray, these are the trends we'll see during a locked out season:

• Declining divorce rates. No football. No fantasy football. More lawns getting mowed, shelves getting installed, trips to Ikea getting taken, mothers-in-law being visited, etc., etc., etc.
• Climbing suicide rates among married men. Fellas, just look at the above and tell me it doesn't send a little shiver down your spine.
• Less Joe Buck. Hmm, that's a plus.
• A sharp drop in sales of fabulous suits. Without Deion Sanders and Shannon Sharpe needing a fresh outfit every week, men's wear as we know it may never be the same. I hope you like tweed.
  
• An increase in large men shaking what they've got on the dance floor. With no end zone in sight, nose tackles have to get their groove on somehow.
• A marked increase in the quality of...er...ah...service at your local Hooters. Cheerleaders need work too.
• A sharp drop in brain hemorrhages caused by wasted time outs and stupid challenges. Also known as andyreideurysms, this terrible disease will go the way of polio, smallpox, and
  
• A ridiculous rise in the number of prima donna wide receivers with reality TV shows.

And Mr. Lewis? If you need something to do, I suggest setting up a school where you teach rhythmless white boys like myself how to do that cool dance you do when you come out of the tunnel before the game. Just think how popular I'd be if I could bust out the Ray-Ray at parties.

P.S. While writing this I watched "Stone Cold" Steve Austin make some big farm boy cry. Stone Cold, I miss you and you should be in charge of eliminations at every reality show between now and the day I die.

P.P.S. While writing this I also saw the tried-and-true wrestling trick of hitting somebody with a car. That never gets old, especially when the medic finally shows up after a few minutes of awkward yelling for help and the following exchange ensues:

Medic: "What happened?"
Tag team partner: "HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!!!!!!!"
Medic (under his breath): "Uh, not again. Hopefully the man behind the wheel was somebody better than Rikishi this time..."

P.P.P.S. Also, he got hit in the leg and they are clearly treating his knee. Why the hell are they playing the beep of a heart monitor in the background? Vince, you're losing your touch.

"Run as Administrator" Can Kiss My Ass

For those of you who haven't upgraded, Windows 7 and Windows Server 2008 have introduced a new feature straight from the lowest circle of hell: "Run as Administrator." Most people won't even realize it's there until they try to do something that should be easy, fail miserably at it, and spend two hours Googling how to do it. Then they follow instructions that fall along the lines of "right click on the whatever and click Run as Administrator," and resolve to make their next computer a Mac. I AM THE ADMINISTRATOR, BITCH! What is the point of obfuscating functionality from me? Security through rickoculousness is not true security.

I shit you not: in order to read a firewall log file today, I first had to right click Notepad and choose "Run as Administrator." I've heard some stupid things in my day, but "right click Notepad and choose Run as Administrator" is right up there with "I just sold my hand gun to Gilbert Arenas." I couldn't even take my daily one o'clock dump until I right-clicked and chose "Shit Like You Mean It."

Microsoft, let's go. There are so many more useful things you could replace "Run as Administrator" with. Here, let me suggest a few:

• "Run as Dumbass." This one changes all the text and menus to idiotspeak so you can understand what your stupid coworker/relative/client means when he says to you "OMG the button in my Adobe doesn't work!!!!!"
• "Run as Marketing Shithead." Have you read a product brochure lately? They spend 18 damn pages telling you how much they're going to increase your productivity and 1 page vaguely mentioning the program's features. This replaces a program's menus with direct mappings to those half-assed definitions.
• "Run as OS X." This takes all the menu items that are buried 19 pages deep and puts them on the top level where they belong. May also cause spontaneous instances of black turtlenecks.
• "Run as Guy Who Overpaid for Training that Should Be in the Manual." Self explanatory. If you need to sell three day seminars to teach people how to use your product, you need to take your UI designer out behind the shed and shoot him in the back of the head.
• "Walk Like an Egyptian." Why not? Maybe "Run as Marketing Shithead" will tell you what this really does.

Yes I'm angry and bitter. I went to a new bar tonight, Meadhall, expecting awesome and all I got was crap. The food was ridiculously overpriced, the atmosphere sucked, the crowd made me feel like I should've worn boat shoes and a Lacoste polo, and never in my life have I seen a beer list that long with so many beers I couldn't give two craps about. I give up.